The Wild Ride !

Wow……………2008 for me was like a roller coaster ride that never seemed to end and each and every turn and severe dip in the track this wild year was to be cherished but with much trepidation as well. I feel physically and emotionally drained and yet I also feel so alive and fresh and renewed and full of hope. Things are definitely different for me than a year ago. One year ago I was living in West Virginia with my wife and my daughter who was home for the holidays in her senior year of college and my son who was about to finish his senior year of high school and his senior season of a game he played so well for so long- baseball. One year ago I had not begun electrolysis or the administration of hormones although I had been working with a gender therapist since July of 2007. I was not living fulltime as a woman and only a handful of people outside the community even knew of Melissa. I had by the fall of 2007 decided I needed to transition to live my life in my true essence of who I was and always had been all my life but fought the emergence of at nearly every turn. It is the person I should have lived as all my life except for the fact I was born with the wrong damn body parts.

As I sit here today on the cusp of 2009, I am not only separated but now legally divorced from my wife of 24 plus years. While we cried a lot the day I fully came clean to her and she found my letter to her explaining who I was and what I needed to do. We have talked little since that week in which much was disclosed but since then our communication has been filled with angry e-mails from her and much miscommunication and lack of communication. On the day we finally worked out an agreement for our divorce, I thought she was more peaceful and resolute but since then, communication has been very limited albeit more than my children which have not spoken to me since July. I sent my children and my ex wife Christmas gifts and cards. I expected no gift in return. I hoped I might actually get a card in return from one of them or possibly phone call over the holidays or even an e-mail thanking me for the gifts. I guess even that was too much to ask for the person who helped raise them and took interest in their life and who wanted nothing but happiness for them. My family has wiped me out of existence. Maybe someday this may change but I expect not any time soon.

As the New Year is about to dawn I live in central Ohio where I live and work fulltime as Melissa and truly enjoy life and the peace it brings me doing so. I am so comfortable as Melissa I cannot even imagine life any other way! I have found my internal peace but still have much to go and learn in my transition. All I am doing now is changing my anatomy and appearance and such to reflect my true essence. I began the year legally known as R. Russell Alexander but since early this fall, my legal name now reflects my true inner soul and essence – Melissa Marie Alexander. Every soul in my old towns of the past and beyond knows about me now and I have lost many friends and most importantly much family since the year began for sure.

Early on in January of 2008 I began the ingestion of hormones that have brought me more hips and ass, soft beautiful breasts and smoother skin that truly feels so feminine. Countless hours of electrolysis has brought smoothness to my face that no longer has any semblance of shadow. I know now I should have been born and lived my life as a woman all these long years but I will not live in regret. I can make sure that the remainder of my life is lived as it was meant to be lived as a woman (albeit a transgendered one). As this year comes to a close I now live with my soul mate, lover and best friend in the world ……….Paula Katherine Prichard. I am a lesbian but that is who I am sexually. I also live with far fewer assets. I took a small smattering of furniture from the old homestead and my pension assets at the close of this year are worth a fraction today partly due to the economic crash of 2008 and partly because half of it now belongs to my ex-wife. It’s part of life and it’s time to move on.

In as much as 2008 was a year full of turns, next year plans to be even wilder and faster that the roller coaster ride of 2008! I will experience some very huge changes in my life physically and emotionally. In just a few short weeks I will travel to Boston to have my face torn apart and rebuilt to be more reflective of Melissa by an exceptionally skilled plastic surgeon. My facial work will enable me to function better as Melissa and give it the feminine appearance it needs to live life as a woman. However, this surgery scares the “heebeegeebees” out of me to be certain! I will emerge from this procedure looking like Frankenstein’s monster! I will be bruised and scarred and bandaged and looking like people took Louisville sluggers to my face and head. I will be in extensive pain and popping pain pills like they are candy. In time the swelling and pain will resolve and I hope it will reflect Melissa as I always have envisioned her and help me pass more in the world.

Just about the time I recover from this procedure it will be time to prepare to leave for Philadelphia to undergo more work on my body…this time the creation of the vagina that should have always been there by an equally talented surgeon. A few months after that a little work on expanding the breasts to make them fit my body with some outpatient breast augmentation. By the summer of 2009, my body should finally resemble my inner soul and essence. I will however continue to grow and learn more about being the woman I am and the new body and emotions I have received as I journey through life as a woman and a post-operative TS. It will definitely be another long, wild roller coaster ride for sure in 2009 but I have always loved riding roller coasters all my life and something tells me that I have much more track to cover in the years ahead as well!

I wish each and every one of you a very Happy and Wonderful New Year in 2009! I hope it is filled with peace and happiness! Hugs, Melissa

What is Love? (Revisited)

Back in April of this year I wrote a blog entitled “What is Love “about the relationship which developed between myself and my love and partner Paula Katherine Prichard. The relationship was a unique one in that it involved two transgendered people who were going through transition while on the end threads of failed marriages. My now ex-wife I know has had serious uncomfortableness and anger over this relationship despite the fact she knew our marriage was critically flawed and that we had fallen out of love sometime way before I even met Paula. It happened because my ex-wife married a person she fell in love with who was not really the person she thought I was and this concealment and anguish and guilt I suffered for many years boiled over into our marriage when combined with my nature and the intense frustrations of work that nearly buried me. (See previous blog back in August entitled “The Wife was Right”) As Melissa began to emerge more intensely over the last few years, my ex-wife and I drifted apart because she never had any connection to Melissa –only the ugly shell which had covered her and kept her hidden away for far too long!

I first met Paula in May of 2007 at a GNO event and we talked out on the deck of the club for nearly two hours that night. I instantly connected to her as someone I loved talking with and that night we discussed many subjects. I hoped she would become a good friend over time. Paula on the other hand will tell you she fell in love with me that night and that she had no intention of doing so- it just happened. We would see each other now and then at events and would always talk and both of felt we could share anything about our lives and our past with the other without any reservation. We talked online a good deal as well as on the phone and I liked her a lot. She has a big caring heart that is so sweet and sensitive and we many things in common. Our talks included politics, history, our work, our marriages and our struggles as transgendered people. Paula never tipped her hand about falling in love with me that night in May throughout our summer and fall chats online, in person or over the phone. In time Paula became my best friend in the world and I wrote about that in early winter of 2008 entitled “Friendship in a TG World”. Still, despite the fact Paula had been in love with me for nearly eleven months and I loved talking with her every chance I could in the summer of 2007 and fall of 2007 and early on in 2008, and could hare anything with her, I still held out some hope that my ex-wife and I could sustain our marriage even as I transitioned to be who I truly was and always had been – Melissa Marie Alexander. By late in the spring of 2008 I knew I was kidding myself on this point. I knew I needed to transition and live life as Melissa- my true soul and essence but I also knew my marriage was at an end. I knew my wife felt the same way and we were only holding on for the kids- my son who was almost to graduation form high school and my daughter through college. In fact, my wife had already set up a meeting with a lawyer even before the “day of reckoning and full disclosure came in July and the reading my letter to her. We were not going to stay together and that had been evident for some time. The disclosure only brought it all to a head. We had held on as long as we could and I concealed my transition as long as I could and the inevitable separation and divorce was but forgone conclusion. Last week, my ex-wife and I worked out an agreement and I think we can both move forward. Someday, maybe we can even be friends. I hope so. She is a sweet loving and good person and I hope she finds the peace and happiness she deserves- for this year has been living hell on her for sure.

Late this spring Paula and I took our relationship to beyond great friendship – although she remains my best friend in the world even today. I fell in love with my best friend and knew we were meant to be together. We had connected in so many ways including spiritually and emotionally and on a level I did not know even existed. Paula always saw me for who I was – Melissa and this did not matter despite my “appearance”. I still recall the night I looked in her eyes back in April and I saw the depths of her heart and soul. I remember our first kiss vividly. It awakened my soul and spirit like no other kiss ever had – it was sweet and tender and a wonderful feeling came over me that night. Melissa- the person I truly was- had fallen in love and it was so different from the time Russell did with my ex-wife so long ago. I had fallen in love with Paula Katherine Prichard.

Although both mine and Paula’s marriages were done and we were both moving ahead in our transitions, even as the summer began to lead to the “day of reckoning” I still did not believe it was possible that Paula and I could end up together despite our love and so many things in common. Some of this was form logistical standpoints and part of it was from our hanging by thread marriages but mostly it was the belief by many even those in our very community that two transgended people cannot survive in a relationship. However, this is actually a gross misconception. Some transgendered woman who transition are attracted to men and which to consummate a straight relationship with someone form the opposite sex. This is very hard to do since most men will not likely be too cool with finding out that that their love interest use to be a genetic male and God help you if you try to fool them and get caught later. Some horrific things have happened to girls who try this stealth methodology. I have never really had any feelings for men and despite being Melissa and transitioning to live the remainder of my life as a woman – men are not my cup of tea. I always felt feminine but at the same time remain attracted to women. Melissa is a lesbian. Relationships with other genetic woman are possible and I know many of my friends who have these relationships including steady girlfriends and even marriages. I always hope they will prosper. Still some genetic women have some issues with transgendered women even if they are lesbians and the attraction is there partly because they cannot always see us for who we are spiritually and get caught up on what the anatomy that once was there – albeit unwanted on our part.

Therefore a relationship with another lesbian who is transgendered is the answer. Both people are transitioning and will eventually each have the right body parts to match the spirit but unlike other possible relationships transgendered people understand each other like no one else who is not transgendered ever could do so. You can be yourself and be comfortable with each other and heart and soul are connected you can find a relationship like no other ever found. I did so when I met and fell in love with Paula. Our relationship continues to grow and prosper and only 6-7 months after I thought it was not likely, Paula and I live together…growing, transitioning and loving each other so deeply and with such passion and tenderness and warmth and understanding this girl had never seen before. We are getting ready to celebrate our first Christmas together as a couple. Our lives are richer and deeper and we seek no others- we are happy to be together and whatever time we have left we will spend it together. We are soul mates and companions on this journey in life and we are both happy we found each other and support each other during our transitions and beyond! I love Paula Katherine Prichard with my heart and soul and I always will. I still don’t know if I can say with clarity “what is love” exactly but I know that I, as Melissa Marie Alexander, found it in Paula. I often wonder what my life would be like if our paths had not crossed that night we talked for two hours nearly 18 months ago …….I know it would not be as rich or full and filled with strength and love and support that we provide for each other and always will ………………..I wish each of you peace and happiness and much love and joy in your life…

The Holidays and Bah Humbug

The Holidays and Bah Humbug

I have generally truly loved the holidays over the years but 2008 presents a different perspective on this period than anytime in the past. I still enjoy the lights and love to decorate the house and Christmas tree and this year’s tree may be the best looking tree I have ever had since the days of my youth. I always bake 7-8 different kinds of cookies and this year was no different. I got to go through the most holiday light display this side of the Mississippi River when driving back from Philadelphia after Thanksgiving and toured the displays at Olgebay Park in Wheeling WV (folks if you have not seen this display you really need to do so as the exhibits are huge and spectacular and draw big crowds every night!). Thanksgiving went great as my sister-in-law and my nephew and his new bride and my niece and her significant boyfriend got to meet Melissa for the first time joined by Paula for a huge feast we all prepared together. They asked a million questions which was good and they opened their hearts a well as their home. It could not have been a better Thanksgiving filled with warmth and love and acceptance. However, it vastly different than any Thanksgiving in the past as it was the first one I had ever spent with them- not just as Melissa but ever! That was my mistake and I intend not to repeat it.
I have been doing my usual holiday shopping and I kept up my tradition of having a holiday dinner party as I have done ever year since 1985. However, this year’s location and guest list was vastly different than the past one’s in West Virginia that is for sure!!! Dan and Cathy and Tom and Christy or Stu or David were replaced by Chloe, Lana and Debbie and Sandy, Joann and Jessica and Cyndy and Diane and others from my new family of friends and sisters in the transgendered community. Paula and I enjoyed them all so much and everyone enjoyed catching up with all the happenings (Congrats again to Lana who came out on her job at the Fire Department and began living fulltime last weekend! We all know the courage it takes to do these things). Everyone had a nice time and enjoyed the company of each other and some nice food. Paula and I will attend some lovely holiday events as well including this Saturday’s dinner in Columbus. I have finished much of my shopping and I have wrapped them up including ones I bought for my children and soon to be ex wife who will not address me by my name or write to me civilly. I doubt I will get any from them but that is OK. I also wrote my children a note and put it in their Christmas cards to let them know I always think of them and wish them well in their life as well as update them on a few things. I doubt I will get any communication from them such as a card, e-mail or note of thanks and that will hurt a great deal! I cried when I wrote them their letters mainly because I miss them so much and know they will not respond- shutting me out of their lives.
Christmas time and the holidays always seemed like a gentler time when people were a bit kinder to their fellow creatures and opened their hearts a little bit more than usual despite the fact it should be done everyday! People tended to be a in a better mood and the holidays meant time with families and friends. I always enjoy seeing a production of “A Christmas Carol” during the holiday season! The friends I have now are vastly different but there are lots more of them and the friendships so much deeper and rewarding than the past. So the only thing that is missing is my family but that piece is a mighty big piece my friends, although I do consider my friends in the Trans community to be my extended family of sisters and brothers. Holidays are toughest times for transgendered people separated from their loved ones and neither I nor Paula are immune to this and it hurts deeply I can tell you. I know Paula seems to be growing more moody by the day knowing she is not welcome to visit her children or grandkids she adores so much or her mother and father who have rejected her outright because she is transgendered. These people act like we carry a plague or something.
I know I will miss spending time with my children and putting my arms around them and telling them I love them so much! I miss my parents who have died right before my eyes over the last few years. On Christmas day I know Paula and I will sit by the phone hoping it will ring except when are attending the holiday dinner for the community of others like us who have been discarded by their families simply because we could no longer pretend to be someone we are not or to look at ourselves in a mirror. We will hope that the phone will ring and a kind word will be offered by a family member which will ease the pain and raise the spirits! However, I know Paula and I will not be getting those calls but I guess the holidays are a time for hope and dreams. Sometimes I want to say “Bah Humbug” to the whole process but I can’t – my heart simply won’t let me and I will do my best, as will Paula, to foster a warm holiday spirit and cheer despite the silent treatment of our loved ones. I wish you all the peace and happiness and joy of the holiday season and best wishes for a great new year in 2009! Hugs! .
Pictured above is some of the girls who stopped by for our Holiday dinner party Saturday except for Joann who took the pics and Barb and Sandy who had gone back to their hotel rooms to crash.
Want to do something fullfilling during the holidays.....donate your time or donate a toy for child in a secret Santa program or volunteer for a oragnization that you belive in and most of all, try to be a bit kinder to your fellow creatures including those who hate you for who you are as a person.

Thanksgiving 2008

Thanksgiving is a delightful holiday and one of my favorites. I respect the concept of giving thanks for all that I have and all that is good in our world and I am one of the many who respect it and do not try to jump to the Christmas season and disregard the importance of the day of gathering of family and friends for feasting and celebration for the joys of life and comforts of family and friends we have made in life! Furthermore, I love hot turkey and gravy and delicious seasoned stuffing and all the delightful fixins such as potatoes and casseroles and of course one of my favorite all time pies- Pumpkin Pie! I usually eat another slice of pie for breakfast the next morning and who doesn’t love Thanksgiving leftovers? I remember so vividly the Thanksgiving days at my grandmother’s as a child filled with so many family members I could never keep them all straight and sometimes the gatherings required three tables. I could smell Grandma’s turkey and stuffing cooking even now!
This year’s Thanksgiving festivities will be vastly different than the last twenty or so for sure. In the past, my wife, daughter and son would travel in on the day before for the holidays and my wife and I would meet friends for drinks and then celebrate Thanksgiving dinner with one of our sets of parents- alternating each year. If we ate dinner at my parents then we would stop in for desert and gathering of the clan for desert at my wife’s mother’s place. My wife’s family is large and I mean very large since she had four siblings and each of them as well as us had two to three children plus some aunts and uncles. Two recent Thanksgivings come to mind for me. The last Thanksgiving I spent with my parents in 2005 shortly before my mother’s death from the dreadful disease which stole her mind and soul! We arrived that day to take my parents out for dinner since my father’s physical health prevented him for doing anything and my mother’s Alzheimer’s had stolen her faculties to prepare the culinary delights she was so famous for and which I try to carry on today. However, when we arrived that day we found them unable to go anywhere and my son and I had to hurry out to the store and find what we could to cook and we all dined together for the last time. My mother died a few months later. In 2006, we returned to dine with my wife’s family but what made this special was the fact that with some help from my son and a few of my brother-in-laws I was able to get my father out if the nursing home and bring him there to dine with my wife’s family. I know he enjoyed that so much and I did too for later that next spring he died and just before Christmas after the Thanksgiving in 2006 year my only brother was killed in an accident. Telling my father at Christmas was one of the toughest things I have ever done in my entire life. I felt like I had reached in and tore out a piece of his heart! In 2007, we again celebrated Thanksgiving with my wife’s family as I had none left but, by late November of 2007, I knew that would likely be the last one I would ever celebrate with my wife, children and her family as I was barely holding on for the sake of my children from emerging fully as Melissa and living the life I was meant to live as a women and fully out transgendered person I truly believe I was suppose to lead. This year’s Thanksgiving is vastly different than the ones from recent past. I am no longer welcome at my mother-in-laws and expectedly so. My wife and I are now entangled in a angry, bitter divorce that seems to get worse by the day and she is embarrassed of me and by me. My daughter, despite her education and training in psychology and cultural liberalism and open-mindedness and maturity has abandoned me to support her mother as if one has to choose sides and my son has not spoken to me since July. Thanksgiving 2008 is the most different Thanksgiving I will ever experience. I have Paula of course and for that I am most grateful and, if she was the only one I had to celebrate this day with along with others in the LGBT community at the Thanksgiving Day celebration at the LGBT community center for those who do not have families to go to I would be also joyful!! For the community is my family! I would also give thankful for and I would be happy for Paula is my life and I am so thankful we found each other and will live our lives together celebrating many wonderful holidays.
However, this year my sister in- law (brother’s wife) and my niece and her fiancé and my nephew and his new wife have invited me as well as Paula who has also lost the ability to dine with her mother and father and children and such at the request of those family members, to come and spend the holiday with them. I will admit I am a bit nervous for this will be the first time any of them has seen me as Melissa-my true essence and spirit and will also be introducing them to my soul mate Paula. I worry about things not going as well since they are all the family I have left now. Part of the problem is that my brother and I were not very close because of our ages (14 years apart) and my time with them has been very limited –yet they were the only ones to reach out and accept me as Melissa and support me and now they have invited me as well as my love Paula to come and be with them for this holiday. If all goes well however, then clearly 2008 will go down on my list as one of my favorite Thanksgivings ever along with the ones I discussed above. Well here’s to hoping it does and that all of you in out there in our community have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with family and joy even if that family is defined solely by members of our community –for that is a wonderful family to have indeed and one to give thanks for as you gorge yourself on the feast! Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and I wish you all the peace and joy in the world! Hugs, Melissa
Pictured above is me with my good friend Joann for whom I am also thankful!

Fun with the Gala "Education"

Wow …….it’s cold and snowy and the girls are pouring in from all over for what I cannot believe is my fourth Lake Erie Gala. It is hard to believe that Gala is already here again and this year I have been heavily involved in planning and organizing this week long fun-filled wonderful event. This year attendance picked up late but it is really picking up and before the weekend is out we will have nearly 85 people here at the event celebrating its Tenth Anniversary. There are some girls who have been coming for all ten years!!
The week of shopping and pampering, diners and site seeing and late night partying is a conference unlike others in our community. It is a more organized event that the delightful Saugatuck and it dos not have the workshops and seminars like that of the Be-all or SCC. All these are wonderful events and I have been to them and learned and enjoyed much and met many wonderful people in our community. The Gala is a social gathering and it involves organized day activities like site seeing to wineries and train stations and chocolate factory and an in indoor putt putt golf tournament. We have a casino night and glitter fair and night out for comedy clubs and dinner at a delicious Irish Restaurant. That is the real gem of the Gala beyond meeting some of the friendliest and warm group of sisters you would ever want to meet anywhere in the world. The Gala is designed for fun and social activities and building friendships but don’t be fooled by all the fun you will have by coming to it –it is also and important educational event!
Educational you say Melissa …….why there are no workshops or seminars or anything of the sort. It is simply getting girls out to venues such as restaurants and museums and wineries and converted railroad stations and many other public venues. Yes it is – but those opportunities to get out in broad daylight for shopping and site seeing and diners with your sisters is by itself educational for many new or recently out sisters who until they come her had only been out little or not at all and when they did it was to clubs and bars under the cloak of darkness. The Gala changes all that and provides the opportunity to break new barriers for girls in getting out under the watchful eye of some seasoned sisters like Marsha, Laura, Cindy, Josephine, Gerri or Melanie and I guess I would now have to say Melissa Marie Alexander. I think if my wife could go back in time to change the course of events in my emergence as Melissa and decision to live fulltime as who I really am she would chose to go back to the days before I left for the first time to come to Erie Pa and spend a week living as Melissa. I showed up a girl who had been out for a while but mostly to clubs and a few choice restaurants. I left at the end of the week not only with many friends and sisters but also with the confidence to go to malls at noon, shop in downtown stores, go to plays, museums and other sites in broad daylight and be proud of who I was as a human being. My confidence soared and grew exponentially that week. I tasted for the first time what it would be like to live my life as Melissa. I left there a changed person- one that was committed to finding the peace and happiness I had been missing living as somebody I was not and it began the movement of my journey towards living fulltime today and the courage to undergo some complicated procedures that will make my body comport with my soul! So that my friends is education and a very important piece in my life and in the life of many of my sisters even those who don’t decide to go fulltime. They do gain the confidence to go anywhere and be themselves and be proud of who they are as people- transgendered people! The Gala also serves to provide education to the public as well. The people of Erie have been invaded each year at this time by transgendered people who pump money into their city economy and who by their contact with us at restaurants, museums, wineries and golf courses as well malls and spas get the opportunity to interact with us and learn that we are just people- fun loving and warm hearted people who just happen to be transgendered! The city has been slowly educated- one citizen at a time.
So gather up your parkas and snow boots girls and head on up to Erie Pa for its Tenth Anniversary Gala. You will warm up to its welcoming friendly people and find many wonderful sisters –some of whom will become your closes friends in the community. You will not regret it! Spouses are always welcome and maybe that will educate them as well and you can find a peaceful coexistence or a deeper understanding. All in all it is a wonderful time and loads of fun and one you simply do not want to miss! It is time to gather in Erie for the Gala and let the “real life education” begin and the fun and support to carry you through.

The time is now for our community!

The world is made up of many different people with many different cultures and backgrounds and here in the good old US of A we have always referred to our heritage of bringing people together in our country in a “melting pot”.
We have watched groups struggle as they came here at first until another group came and took there place on the bottom of the chain. The Irish, the Italians, the Japanese, the Eastern Europeans African –Americans although clearly not by choice- they all came and after some struggles integrated into our society. Black people, particularly by virtue of the fact they were brought here by a vile institution known as human slavery, suffered through great hardship and struggles for human rights through the civil rights periods of protests, marches and legislation finally achieved many of the goals of equality. Recently, this country elected a black man as President – something most of the people of my father’s generation swore would never happen- but it did! The victory has given hope to many formally shut out or disadvantaged people that dreams can be achieved and success found despite the color of one’s skin or the makeup of his or her ancestors. Woman suffered as second class citizens based on a patriarchal society that rewarded men and held woman down. Woman fought for the right to vote and then hold office and more and more women enter careers everyday that were once held exclusively by men. Two women have been nominated for Vice- President of the country although the wage differential is still there, legislation such as Title VII and others have helped woman success and rightfully so! Legislation existing today protects someone based on sex, race, national origin, age, color, or disability. There remains only a few groups in this country that seem to be at a distinct disadvantage and one of them my friends is people like me – transgendered people. Now I am not looking for the “poor little me” response I am merely stating a fact.
Now is the time for our community, as small and “hidden” sometimes as it is, to forge ahead in our struggles for our rights and protections. I do not seek special help and I doubt most if any of my brothers and sisters in this community do either- just the right to be who we are and not be denied employment or housing or a continuation of either merely because we are transgendered people. We seek the same rights as others in society. We seek to find housing and services and to work a career we enjoy which also helps pay the bills and such and to do all of this without harassment or discrimination Now I have always said you cannot legislate prejudice for that is something learned but you can legislate against that prejudice being used as a basis for discrimination against transgendered people. We have much to accomplish but I believe our time is coming in the next five to six years and it will take all of our efforts to make this happen. I am excited to be a part of this change which can occur in the eventual enactment of the ENDA and Hate Crimes bill legislation which now has a greater chance of passing in the increasingly Democratic Congress and the election of Barak Obama. It will not come easy my friends and it will take the efforts of many of us to make this a reality and a forging of a relationship with others in the LGBT community. Herein lies our problem!
Most of our community is underground in one form or another and the numbers we have to work with and achieve our goals like others have in the past two hundred years of American society is quite small. The problem is we only have the “middle” and the other sides of that middle are many times either cloaked or in stealth mode. Those that are not out of the closet yet operate in a cloaked mode in which they are out limitedly if at all and so they are not willing to risk exposure to be involved in our efforts to achieve these important goals. Most of our community lies in this so called cloaked group. I remember I use to be there although after time it became more of protection for my children than for me. That all came to a screeching halt when I tore down the cloak of secrecy and came out to the entire world! It was a great feeling and it has brought me peace and happiness I did not know could exist! There is the group in the middle like me who are undergoing transition in which w are living life fulltime in our desired gender and undergoing all sorts of procedures like electrolysis, hormones, surgeries and the like. We generally take very active roles in the community. We are not afraid to be out and about and known as transgendered people. We have not reached that point where “stealth” is even under possible consideration. A substantial amount of activism in our community comes from this so called middle group. The third part of our community is those who are post transitional and who operate in a world of stealth. Having fully transitioned and looking the part and carrying all the right documentation they go about lives as woman and act like they never even had the organs or hormones of the other gender. They seek to seamlessly blend into the world of their true gender and let no one be the wiser. This works real well if you are able to move jobs and to another part of the country. However, stealth also means severing one’s self from the transgendered community and thus they are not likely to be an active supporter of our community and its needs and goals for equality. Although there are some fully transitional members of our community like my friends Debbie, Chloe and Barbie or of course our national leaders like Mara and others at the NCTE, I also know of some in the so called middle group who attempt to operate in stealth mode even before fully transitioning. This leaves us with only a handful of people to fight our struggle for dignity and equality. Why is stealth even a consideration for those in our community? As Donna Rose stated in her wonderful speech at SCC this year, can one truly ever reach “stealth”. As she so eloquently pointed out “the internet has changed one’s ability to go stealth as some simple searches can reveal most everyone’s past” so don’t fool yourself into thinking you can hide from anyone “who wants to take the time to find out your past- ever!” Therefore, true stealth is not really obtainable in our modern world. Accordingly, post transitional members of community should be in the forefront our leadership and activism for our rights and dignity as people. Now I am not advocating that post transitional people should not try to lead a normal life in the proper gender following transition. I will try to do so I know and I don’t advocate running around in t-shirts that say “Hi – I am a transgendered person” all the time and I know I will not be doing so. However, abandoning our community for me after full transition is NOT an option for me. I know that I am spiritually and emotionally a woman and that it is my true essence of who I am as a human being. I will live my life as a woman and enjoy the fact that my outward appearance and body will finally reflect who I truly and have always been in this world- a woman. However, I was born genetically a male and thus I am, by nature, a transgendered person and will always be such regardless of how much I spend on surgeries or how my hormone levels read. Nothing will ever change that and I am fine with that indeed! I am not ashamed to be a part of this community. I also believe that if others find out I am transgendered- so be it. I will use that as an opportunity to show others in society that I am just a human being and that transgendered people are just people too. Use these opportunities to educate people not excuses to run and hide! Never be ashamed of who you are as a person because you are transgendered. The community is my transgendered family and I feel compelled to be involved in it and be active in it and work with my sisters and brothers in achieving the goals we can achieve as our turn in history comes into fold in our fight for our dignity and rights as human beings -just as others have in other communities throughout our history.
There is much work to do such as lobbying members of Congress and writing letters and attending events and activities which serves to promote our community and its efforts to achieve our goals. Money can be contributed to the NCTE and your time can be volunteered to assist in these efforts. Now is the time for our community to get behind these efforts and work for the rights and dignity of all members of our community so that those who come behind us may find an easier path and one filled with more dignity and understanding. I can only hope that many who are cloaked will find courage to come out and those who do will chose a course of being involved and active in our community and when the time comes, that they remain active in our community and not chose to lead life in stealth but one with the courage and pride of being a wonderful human being who just happens to be transgendered. Remember some of the ten affirmations for LGBT spirituality:
1. We celebrate the unity we create in the midst of our diversity.
2. We affirm the inherent beauty, worth and dignity of every LGBT and straight person.
4. The choice is not whether to be LGBT or straight but whether or not to lead an authentic life.
5. Coming out is a courageous and spiritual act.
And most importantly………10. No one is free when others are oppressed!

Cruising before Barack

As I mentioned I also recently got back from a Caribbean cruise sponsored by Pink Essence in which forty people form our community went on and we all had a great time indeed. Who wouldn’t on a cruise?? We met in Miami on Wednesday and it was also my first time flying as Melissa but since my Id and picture now match my name on my ticket and how I live it was no brainer and I sailed through TSA security. We all dined together Wednesday night at the hotel and this of course began the five days of food frenzy that takes place on a cruise ship which has food available twenty-four seven including buffets, diners, sit down lunches, pizzerias and burger joints and every possible food group including a Chocoholics feast. It seems like I Cruising the Caribbean and Barack Obama………what do these two things have in common? Well not much I would say except that my recent days have been spent cruising for the first time as Melissa with many wonderful friends or voting for our new President for the first time being who I really am as a person. I had fun with both as the cruise was fabulous and so was the outcome of the election with the selection of this country’s first non white President on an historic night that hopefully will bring about change for our country. This country has been lingering in malaise for some time now without leadership. I don’t care whether you liked his policies or not but what bugged me the most about George Bush was his lack of leadership over the last few years and his failure to respond to pressing economic needs and his continuation of fighting a war in a place we don’t understand, and are not wanted, all while spending tons of money which could have been easily directed elsewhere in our own country. George needed to do something as the leader of our nation and he did not do so. He simply coasted the last couple years and enjoyed being President without doing anything as a leader. He was slow to respond to crises which arose over last few years and really has not shown leadership since 2002 after the 911 situation. I may not like what he proposed to do but doing nothing is not an option for a leader of our country in the 21st century.

I feel the main reason McCain lost was most people were fed up with George and his lack of doing anything and that the country needed new energy and change which Barrack would bring. It’s that simple.
Curiously, I noticed the south still has trouble with voting for black person. Let me say this as a southerner who has only been recently transplanted
to being a Yankee- the war between the states is over! While I still enjoy southern hospitality, sweet tea and grits, southerners need to embrace change in this country and get over the racism, hatred and prejudice and move forward in their lives. I also noted that the fact that my old state West Virginia voted for McCain despite being a state with Dems outnumbering the Elephants two to one. Two reasons why this happened folks……racism among rural Appalachian people and religious right wing fundamentalists who make up the composition of state of my family heritage. I am also very hopeful that with the gain in seats in Congress and our new President that next year will bring about the enactment of the Hate Crimes bill and ENDA and end discrimination (with enforcement) against the LGBT communities of which I am very much proudly a part of indeed!
was eating about every few hours. Additionally, my lovely sign and sail card took a good beating from all the delightful frozen concoctions I consumed during the cruise as the drinking seemed to start each day around 11 am and ended in the wee hours of the morning!

I knew several girls on the cruise such as Debbie, Carol, Jackie, Tara Brandy, Martina and Joan and of course my roomie for the cruise – my good friend Joann. Joann brought three bikinis by the way and modeled a different suit each day at the pool. I also met some wonderful new friends like Rachel and Jan as well as Leslie Ann. I additionally met a lovely girl named Amy who is transitioning, looking at the same surgeons I am and who started on hormones one day before me last January. We chatted for sometime and she and her spouse are really wonderful girls! I enjoyed the ports of call at Key West and Cozumel and did some shopping for jewelry, ornaments and other items. I will admit cruising is not a hard life and I love do it- but this time it was special. We got some looks from others and few were rude but most were neutral and a few took the time to meet us and ask questions and some admired our courage to live and enjoy life as who we are as people. I especially enjoyed chatting with a woman by the name of Jane who lives in Maryland and we spent hours talking and she was curious but very supportive and she hugged me and even gave me gift of one of her pieces of jewelry and told me to be myself, be happy and live life to its fullest! What a wonderful human being and I wish her so much peace and happiness. If more people in the world were like my new friend Jane the world would indeed be a better place! Like all good things the cruise came to end too soon but I loved being with tables of my sisters from all over the US and relaxing a bit…….now if I can just work off all that cheesecake, tiramisu and a delightful decadent dish called Chocolate Melting Cake I might be able to actually fit my clothes again!!!

Where Everyone Knows My Name!

Do you remember the time in elementary school that if you did not like someone in your class you did not say their name and tried to pretend like they did not exist. Well lately I feel I have been thrown back to the second grade and it largely comes at the action and inactions of my soon to be ex wife. My wife sends me some of my old mail as I continue the process of redirecting mail to my new home in Ohio. When she does send anything, it comes in an envelope marked only by my last name and she does not write the word “ Melissa” on it even though that is my name both spiritually as well as legally. How hard would be to write those letters on an envelope and mail it? I guess for her ….pretty damn hard! I write to her to find out things such whether I received something in the mail or to find out how she is doing or how our kids are doing since they have no contact with me at all. I sometimes try to discuss my emotions and feelings and anguish and such with her and I always write her addressing her by her first name and sign off by giving mine. I get no answers to my questions. I receive no response to my queries and usually it is either a one sentence response or a blistering tirade of screaming and ALL CAPS and underlines and exclamation points!!!! Nowhere in any of my communication from her is my name used at all- like I don’t have one…….it just is either short and nonresponsive or a flaming tirade to some unknown entity. I have a name you know and it is customary for one to write you to use it as I think we covered this in letter structure concept back in junior high school.

I have done everything I can to keep the peace on the name thing such as informing the organizations of my new address and such but sometimes they don’t read (guess it is not a requirement for employment) and send the documents to my old address where my wife still resides and then all hell breaks loose as she sees the name of Melissa on something and goes into another tirade. She is mad because I changed my life insurance documents to reflect my new legal name and does not see how this should be allowed to happen since her name is listed as beneficiary or owner of them. Well here is how it works. Those I own have my old name on them so I changed it to reflect new name even though she is listed as beneficiary (a matter which will soon be corrected believe me ) or they are policies she owns but I am named beneficiary and my name was changed to new name. She is also free to kick me off her policies as well and name a new one as it is a free country. However, this could present a dilemma in as much as she will have to write them and tell them she wishes to drop “Melissa” off the policies as named beneficiaries and that means she will have to write the word “Melissa” on a letter.

Earlier this month she held my new social security card with my new name on it because she was made it came to her due to the clerk’s error. My inability to get this document caused me to be unable to verify it to the bank and they locked down my accounts. Then she goes into a tirade about the fact she cannot cash a check I sent her on my account even though the very reason she could not do so is because of her not sending me the document. I tried to my best to direct documents to my new address but some of the companies did not do so and common courtesy is to send them on in envelope addressed to the person. I got another tirade from her about the name change itself as if I had to somehow secure her permission or that of my adult children to change my legal name to reflect who I truly am and how I live my life. I again make reference to the statement above that this is still a free country and one has a right to change their name so long as it is not done for illegal purposes.

Now for her latest antics she is having her lawyer object to the temporary order which my lawyer prepared at the request of the Judge following the temporary hearing. Most people object to court orders based on the contents of the order itself (you know the meat and potatoes of the order discussing terms and monies and such) but not my wife. She is objecting to the caption on the order itself which reads her name as petitioner versus my old name as respondent and placed in parenthesis afterward are the words (now known as Melissa Marie Alexander) which of course, is the truth. I did not ask my counsel to do this but she tells me that it is common for wives who resume their maiden names to have this listed in parenthesis so she saw no difference simply because I legally changed my name as part of my transition and life fulltime as Melissa as a transgendered person. So here we go spending money on lawyers to litigate over the caption on an order to a case. You talk about throwing money down the drain- this, my friends, is clearly the definition of such frivolity.


I hope someday my wife can let go of the hate and anger and we can become friends so we can work together on such things as our beautiful children who I never see or hear from ever. I begged her to seek counseling and get her feelings out on the table and try to move forward. I offered her the opportunity to come to support group or that I would find resources for her to join such as groups of families of transgendered people so she can share and vent and find ways to heal. However, for us to move forward and begin talking again as people like we did the one week in July when all this came out in the full blown open and to communicate about our children, it will take her making the step to address me by my name – Melissa. We cannot move forward unless we get past the second grade antics and junior high English and she addresses me by my true name as well as my legal one- Melissa. What I think changed after that time in July was she got around family and friends who told her she must fight this and despise me because they cannot deal with transgendered issues and believe people like me should be condemned and fought at every turn and not even afforded even the dignity of our name. I hope someday we can move forward and I hope someday she finds great peace and happiness in her life- but clearly this will take much time and the road we have to travel is long and far. We are stuck at a point on that road where she cannot read, write or say the road sign on it that reads “Melissa” We are stuck at a point where everyone knows my name but her. We cannot take steps to move forward without first recognizing who we are as people that is for sure……..

Saugatucking

The Dunes and the Saugatuck Michigan area were descended upon by many of the transgendered community these past few days for its annual Saugatuck/ Dunes weekend. For the first time ever I attended this relaxing long weekend of shopping, sightseeing, dining, wine tasting and apple picking or whatever you wanted to do on a gorgeous and beautiful fall weekend on the shores of Lake Michigan! The Dunes weekend is something my girlfriend Paula has attended for many years and this year she had me join her for the wonderful festivities. The Dunes weekend, in the quaint villages of Saugatuck and Douglas Michigan, is different than many other transgendered “events” in that it is really not and event as it is a gathering. There are no seminars or workshops like that of SCC or the Be-all and there are no formal structured social activities like tours or such as with the Erie Gala or others but instead one is free to do whatever they want to do and relax in the gorgeous scenery of the lake shore villages. The lovely towns are loaded with little shops for art works book stores, jewelry and clothing boutiques. One can stroll around the little streets for hours moseying into one shop after another looking for deals and such. No chain stores here my friends!! As with my tradition, I collected a Christmas ornament from Saugatuck as I do every place I go.(At Christmastime, I decorate a tree with ornaments I have collected from all over the US, Canada and other parts of the world on my travels). I found some other little odds and ends as well.
The weather was gorgeous for a weekend in October. Sunny skies prevailed all weekend long which actually began Thursday night with arrival and visit to the Dunes complex which is a hotel with cabins and rooms adjacent to the club and bar which has dance floor, bar area, recreation room for pool and such and a cabaret room for shows. This year featured a visit from a duo of a beautiful singer with a great sense of humor and a musical range of extensive quality and her partner the piano player. I enjoyed the production immensely as did Paula and all who attended. Thursday night I karaoke and I again confirmed my lack of musical talent and Friday night is a big dance night although I played a few rounds of pool winning absolutely none of course. I play pool as badly as I sing but its all in fun! During the shops fill with people including many from our beautiful community and evenings and morning provide wonderful opportunities to sample some good and inexpensive cuisine. I loved the food everywhere I went to eat over the long weekend. The beautiful weather also provided opportunities for site seeing such places as the Lake shore, wineries where I sampled some good Michigan wines and bought a few for the holidays. You can go apple orchard picking or raspberry picking or view the colorful skylines on the highways around the area as fall puts it spectacular colors into play! Paula and I also went to a place that had standing lines to get in to eat at 2:00 in the afternoon and a long line to buy a homemade pie and we bought one from Crane’s Pie Pantry. It was a very delicious pumpkin pie and I absolutely crave pumpkin pies in the fall! The weekend was relaxing and very enjoyable although not without glitches. I went off without my makeup or toiletries but through a few lending sisters, Paula’s pills and a visit to Rite Aid Pharmacy, I recovered and survived. Paula had key trouble. The first night she forgot the key to the room and we had to wake the owner up at 2:00 am to get us another key to get in the room. Needless to say, he was not a happy camper. On Friday night Paula left the key in our door all night but not only is the area very LGBT friendly it is also safe and no harm was done. The glitches were minor and it was a indeed a wonderful weekend and chance to see some old friends like Wendy, Mandie, Erica, Janie and Jennifer and meet some new friends as well. I highly recommend a visit to Saugatuck and the Dunes if you get the chance in late spring, summer or early fall. The winter however, is not for the fainthearted with massive snowfalls and lakefront winds. You will not be disappointed otherwise and will enjoy some friendly hospitality. Now if those Yankees could actually make some good grits for this southern girl they would have it made indeed!

Fall, Football and Being Yourself

The beautiful sunny fall weekend with blue skies and bright sun provided yet another opportunity for me to do something “a bit challenging” for my current life as Melissa. I attended my homecoming festivities and first college football game as Melissa this past weekend at my alma mater- West Virginia University. The setting was perfect and the weather as delightful as one could expect for a fall October weekend. Paula and ventured over to Morgantown for the festivities with the assurance she would root for my alma in the battle with the Syracuse Orange despite her fixation with Big Ten and her alma mater Michigan State. I needed her support as well since I would be sitting in the same seats I have sat in for 19 years with a crowd of many who have set there for 19 years with me in that other mode I paraded around in until a few months ago.
We left Friday morning early as we were both scheduled for a round of electrolysis with my technician and friend Sharon. Paula will start using her when she moves down here fulltime at beginning of next month. She truly enjoyed meeting her and Sharon is a sweet kind wonderful person and electrolysis tech who works very hard and dos a superb job painfully removing the hair follicles from my face. From there we stopped and ate a Sonic and it was my first time eating there ever at a place Paula has a fondness for and the burger was delicious! We checked in our hotel and freshened up before heading into downtown Morgantown to watch the Homecoming parade. I always loved this event. This year the fraternities and sororities made floats depicting various countries and I love watching the alumni band march and perform and some of those guys carrying tubas and drums had a few years on them and the majorettes probably should not have been wearing the skirts at their ages but what they have they displayed proudly indeed. The current Mountaineer band is one of the largest and best performing college bands in America. I was particularly impressed with the fact that the LGBTQ college students marched in the parade with great pride and that is something I never saw in college there or until recent years to be honest. I was proud of them and Paula and I were among only handful that clapped for the group. It’s still progress. Following the parade, we proceeded to my favorite restaurant in Morgantown-Oliverios. If you ever find yourself there I highly recommend it! The food is phenomenal and some of the best Italian you can find for the very reasonable prices. However, the visit did result in an “incident which left a sour taste in my mouth for sure. We were waiting for out table by the bar when a “good friend” who has known me for twenty years and whose children were watched by my daughter and who I worked with came in to dine and saw me. She panicked and after making a few glances my way looked away and hid her head with her hand as she sat. When her husband arrived (who has known and worked with me for 23 years) a few minutes later they left to eat elsewhere just as our table was called. I am sorry they acted that way I really am. I will go anywhere I want to go and I am not ashamed of whom I am as a person but I was disappointed they acted that way. I was disappointed with their actions and I thought they were friends but I guess that was only when I was pretending to be someone I was not! I will miss them as friends but their actions spoke loud and clear to me. I am not someone to be ashamed of at all. I love who I am and I will never be ashamed for being Melissa. It is silly to be ashamed of who you are as a human being.
Saturday morning following breakfast we proceeded to the stadium for the noon kickoff. It was a beautiful sunny day and I guided us to my entrance on the east side of the stadium which is the same entrance the students enter on and I saw my son who did not see me. He is not ready to do so either so I stayed in the shadows of people until safely passed. It was so hard to do and I wanted to go over and hug him but I did not want to embarrass him and he is not even close to being ready. He looks so different from just a few months ago and I wonder how much of his life I will miss until we can reconnect again. Paula and I headed to my seats I have sat in for so very long. She kept saying I could leave now if I was not up to this task. I assured I was ready and confident although I had my doubts from time to time this past week. I mean the people who attend Mountaineer games are fanatical, usually heavily intoxicated from tailgating and lest face it – WV has a tendency to be bit redneck. I watched the pregame festivities and run onto the field and enjoyed watching my team I love play but it was a also different. I was calmer than I have ever been and while I cheered for them, I did not boo like many other’s did when the team played sluggishly and I did not get so wrapped up in it as well. It was fun and I enjoyed it as Melissa. The Eeers won this one (whoooooo hoooooooo) and no one said a word to me, either out of fear or they did not recognize me or they were occupied with the activity on the field. Whatever the reason I enjoyed doing something I always enjoyed doing but this time as who I truly am– Melissa. It’s a better and calmer way to enjoy the game and fun as well. A great day in the sunshine on a beautiful fall day and I look forward to my return in the future.

Fulltime Conferencing

Life at a transgendered conference is surely different for a full time girl! This week, following a road trip to Atlanta with Paula and Tara, I attended Southern Comfort Conference, the largest transgendered conference in the world. 844 people attended SCC this year and although down from last year’s 982 it was a great showing of transgendered people in a tough economy. The conference is a wonderful time to see old friends and make some new one which I did both o for sure. It was great to see old friends like Linda, Jia and Danielle as well as some regulars from the area like Barbie, Jenni, Lana and Chloe. I met some wonderful new people like Karen, Raquel and Cheryl as well as a very cool couple from Nova Scotia Canada in Emma and Jen. Jen was the first transwoman to transition in Nova Scotia and she and Emma did a wonderful workshop on post transitional issues which was extremely thought provoking.
The site of the SCC provides an excellent source of shopping and dinning experiences and I took full advantage of them- finding both great deals on clothes (a business suit for fewer than fifty bucks and a business jacket to accessorize some slacks and skirts for my professional activities). I also found some very pretty jewelry. Paula and I dined with Cheryl and her wife Beth one evening and I am sure she found our conversation intriguing to say the least. I attended some wonderful workshops on areas that are now my focus. In years past it was topics such as transition, hormones, electrolysis and coming out to others. Those have already happened for me and now the focus is on completing my anatomical changes to bring my body in line with my inner soul and essence. I attended several workshops on GRS and FFS and met with several surgeons on consults for these procedures coming up in 2009. Based on them and on my extensive research for many months and interviews with former patients, I made decision on both the procedures and plan to have FFS with Dr. Spiegel in Boston Mass and GRS with Dr. Christine McGinn in Doylestown Penn. Hopefully, if all goes well I will have had these procedures all completed by the middle of 2009 and following recovery continue to move forward in my life.
SCC also provided its second annual Career Fair and I submitted resumes and talked with various employers about possibilities and opportunities in their companies. I plan to submit more resumes online as well and I am also seriously exploring a partnership with a local transgendered girl and meanwhile working some freelance projects in the area. It will take some time to get it all sorted out but it will come and I will succeed and move forward in my life professionally as well. Now the SCC is also fun for evening socializing and I took full advantage of the same. There is a very friendly and cool club in the beltway called Le Buzz which providing some good fun for all!! I believe one of my highlights of this conference was the ability to attend workshops conducted by two of my favorite authors of the transgendered community in Donna Rose and Jenny Boylan- the authors of two of my favorite memoirs of transgendered people “Wrapped in Blue” and “She’s Not There” I had the time to chat with both and Donna delivered a very stirring and powerful address to the convention on Saturday afternoon of courage and conviction. I got both of them to sign my books with a personal note and I will treasure those meetings and I look forward to meeting them in the future as well.
The big difference for me at this SCC is that when I left I departed as who I am and in the manner I live my life everyday. I saw the sadness in many faces of “men” as they were leaving the hotel after living their dreams for a few days and nights. In the elevator I heard one of the boi mode attendees turn and say to another “ Well I guess it is time to return to reality” I kind of chuckled and chimed in….well for some of us this is reality. Today I continue living my life fulltime as Melissa and enjoying life as much as I can with passion and conviction and a sense of opportunity and contentment I have not felt in years. It is truly different experience and I am embracing it as well as I can and enjoying it all. I am more peaceful than I have ever been in my life and I know this is the right path for me. Find your peace whatever and wherever that may be on the spectrum that encompasses our community and live it and enjoy it! Hugs to all my friends in our broad and loving transgendered community!

Melissa Marie Alexander!!!!!

“Russ I have known you for a very long time, and you know what you ask me to do is permanent, are you absolutely sure you want this? ( Judge O’Hanlon on last question from bench to me at hearing) …….Yes your honor, I very much want this Sir (me)……Ok… your petition is GRANTED and here are your certified copies of the order (Judge O’Hanlon)……. “With these simple words Judge Dan O’Hanlon executed my Court Order in the Circuit Court of Cabell County West Virginia and granted my long sought desire to have the government officially recognize me for who I always have been and to begin to bring me peace in my life as I live fulltime as Melissa. With that order, my life can begin anew as Melissa Marie Alexander. I can move forward with the knowledge that my identification now reflects who I always have been despite my old shell’s best attempt to hide her away for so long. I had the biggest smile on my face I have ever had in so long in a courtroom and I thought some of my sisters who came to witness it were going to have to peal me off the ceiling of the hallway as I exited the courtroom following hugs of joy and much happiness!! Paula even got a picture of me outside the Courthouse with my order to mark the occasion. I did not have much time to dawdle though as I quickly sped off to Social Security Administration for a new Social Security Card and to DMV for a new driver’s license. Only this time….the picture and name now reflect who I truly am and really always have been! I will freely admit I pulled it out a few times that day just to look at it in order to make sure I was not dreaming!! When the waitress asked us for ID last night at our celebration party I whip my new ID out so fast I nearly tore the plastic off it…I dropped off my passport application in the mail to get my new passport as Melissa as I proceeded about the day. I don’t think I could have been any higher than I was that day. September 26, 2008…….Melissa Marie Alexander becomes recognized by the government as real person. I am so very excited and so very happy!! I mailed off letters with certified copies to my creditors so they too can share my joy (actually so they can find me and my credit cards and accounts will have my proper name and address.)

Many people have asked me how I came to be named Melissa or why I chose Melissa as the name of my true identity. I know many times transgendered girls identify their feminine name by feminizing their given name at birth. For example, Paula feminized Paul; a Tony can become a Tonya or Carl becomes Carla. Others are not able to do so without their name sounding a bit silly so they pick a name that is feminine but it at least begins with the same letter. For example, George becomes Gina or Jim becomes Jane. However, I could only think of one name which would be a feminizing version of my birth name and that was Rochelle but I never connected with that name even in the slightest. Other “R” names were eliminated as well such as Ruth (my mother) and Renee or Rose since they never connected with me as well. For as far back as I can recall I have been Melissa. The first time I ever presented myself fully (head to toe) in my mother’s bedroom as a woman at the age of 14, I looked in her full length mirror and the name sort of came to me …….I saw Melissa ….I whispered “Melissa” back at the reflection. It seemed to come from within me and the name stuck with me always and from that point forward, I knew who I really was but then spent many years trying to drive her out of my shell. She was resilient and she endured much in many years of repression, struggle and secrecy but she hung on and now she has been recognized by the government! Now some people wondered why I did not chose to keep “Pink” as my last name and even today, I know some in our community only know me as Melissa Pink- my persona I operated under for many years in my cloak and secrecy so people would not find out who I am. Although my friend Chloe calls me Melissa Alexander when she tells someone she is coming to visit me, she will say Melissa Alexander and others will say “who” and she says …you know “Melissa Pink”. Now I hope the whole world knows me for whom I truly am and many people I have known over the years know -so a made up name such as” Pink” did not seem appropriate at all.

Alexander is my given last name and it should stay that way. I am proud to be a member of my family and even if all my family is not so thrilled with me transitioning and probably my parents, if alive, would have been not as enthralled with me as Melissa, Alexander is my last name and I will use it proudly. Now the middle name has been something in flux for me for sometime now. I was seriously considering using “Ann” which was associated with Melissa Ann Pink but I did not like the flow of it with Melissa Alexander. I even toyed briefly with the idea of using the initial “P” with my name but I wanted a real name there and not imply a middle initial. I had already gone through life living with one of those already in my first name. (I still remember my daughter when she was young telling her teacher that “my Daddy’s first name is” R.” – said as “R period”) I chose Marie because it was the middle name of my mother, grandmother and great grandmother. It was the middle name given to the girls in my family and had I been born in the proper gender to begin with I found out my mother would have given me Marie as my middle name. So I think it is entirely appropriate that I am named Marie as well!

So there it is…… …..my new legal name ……………Melissa Marie Alexander. I love it so very much! Now my name matches my true identity….the girl I have always been and always will be and I have moved forward in my life. I have much to travel to undergo in my journey. But at least now along my journey I can carry all my documents and such which actually match my true self and my true identity……

Melisa Marie Alexander (2008- )…………….Long live the girl!!!!

R. Russell Alexander (1960-2008)……. Rest in Peace ………Today, the shell got buried!

Pictured above is me taken on the day of my name change hearing. Wooooooohoooooooooooo!!

Dark Ages, Families and Firsts

Sunday morning at the new abode and I am still living in the dark ages! You know the ‘dark ages” – the time period before Cable TV and the internet. Last week’s violent storm left me in the dark for a while and our power line ripped from the house and laying across the yard and upper floor deck as pieces of wood shattered about the roof. The power got restored in a day but I am now entering my eighth day without internet or Cable TV as apparently the storm winds tore apart our service and left me in the dark ages. Paula is still only here a few days a week and Jenny is back out in NM for work after her return home for less than forty eight hours. So I am left alone and facing the dark ages. One does not begin to realize how much one needs the internet until they are without it for any length of time. I have to bring my computer everywhere to find other sources of the “information highway”. It is roughing for sure my friends. The internet is how I run my business and find work. It is how I stay connected to friends…….it is how I find out what is going on the world. I get e-mails from old friends who find out about me and offer their support. I stay connected with my lawyer back in Huntington as I work my way through the tangles of the divorce and my legal name change. What miniscule reports or news (or chastising) I get from my immediate family comes from the internet. I feel like I got off the information highway at an exit only to find there was no return to the road. Maybe I can some guy in long trench coat out there somewhere in a seedy alley selling internet. (Hey baby…….need a connection??) I hope they get this straightened out soon. One can only live in the dark ages so long.
My middle part of the week was exciting as I attended my first professional event and Board meeting for my MPI Chapter as Melissa. I was welcomed with open arms at the Board meeting and no one even slipped up on name or pronoun. I was very pleased indeed! I met up with some of my friends in the ladies room of the Hilton Hotel where I received several hugs and a warm welcome the “club”. The luncheon had about 90 people there and it was great program and I found much more support and understanding. Several women had long chats with me about my transition, the future and life as a woman. Again I got all sorts of hugs and much support and understanding and for my first time doing anything professionally, it went pretty well. I was very happy that day and I know I can function as Melissa in professional settings. I have some resumes in and some wonderful business opportunities I am exploring including partnering with another TS sister on a business venture. I feel the best way to approach anything in work settings is to be confident and stay relaxed which helps you fit in and blend into the new situations for others as well as you.
Finally this past weekend Paula and I did our first entertaining as Jenny had returned for a quick fix of laser and some fresh clothes and we hosted dinner for her parents. Jenny’s parents were exceptionally super people and I, as well as Paula, thoroughly enjoyed meeting them and it is so nice when parents ultimately accept and embrace you for who you are as a person. I also enjoyed cooking and baking for guests and because her mother is a vegetarian I decided to make an old recipe I have for vegetarian lasagna and some fresh break. Jenny grilled some Italian sausage and her mother made a fruit salad that was out so delicious. Good food led to good company and delightful chats and shortly after mother and father left her sister and her husband and niece and had a wonderful time chatting with them as well. Jenny’s sister is very supportive of her and it was good to see them share things with each other and they seemed to have grown closer since jenny came out. Paula and I enjoyed meeting them so much! On Sunday, I got a call from my friend Chloe who wanted to take advantage of the beautiful weather to fly with Denny to visit and I was so glad she called. Paula and I met them at the airport with her children in tow and we had a bite to eat and we showed them the house and chatted about our lives and changes and the upcoming trip to SCC in Atlanta. The kids enjoyed the cats and beautiful lovely parrot and we shuttled them back out to the airport for their return and went back to the house to finally relax. It was a most wonderful weekend of visits indeed.
I snuck in an hour internet over the weekend by driving to Panera Bread and I found several wonderful e-mails of support. Apparently, I am the topic of much discussion in my old town so I might as well enjoy it for in a month or two it will be all blown over and I will be yesterday’s news. However, for the moment my website is apparently generating many hits of curious seekers as the hit meter is evidently spinning like a turnstile. Now if I can only find some internet I can post this blog and maybe check out the hit meter. Dark ages seem to be all around me and I feel like a a CNN reporter announcing…………………..
“Day nine and the internet and cable are still being held hostage!”
Pictured above is me with my good friend Debbie Dunkle taken three months ago who I will see again next week in Atlanta for SCC

Name Limbo, Family Distance, Purple Cows and Chocolate Chip Cookies

Chocolate Chip Cookies, purple cows, the absence of family contact and being in name limbo occupy my time this week as I continue to move forward in my life living it fulltime as Melissa. I received my first and only e-mail from my wife since our separation and all without a call or e-mail from either of my children. I have not spoken to my son in six weeks and I will tell you ladies- that hurts very deeply. I love my children but I know I must give them some space and time and hope that someday they will want to speak to me, see me and even spend some time with me as their parent who loves them so very much! The letter from the wife was most interesting in that it was mostly filled with poignant barbs and facts about the expenses and car titles and lawyers and absolutely nothing about how she is coping, what our children are doing in their life. There were also some interesting points about this e-mail.

First it was sent to my business e-mil account and not my personal e-mail account. Want to know why? Because my personal e-mail account has the name Melissa in it and my business one does not. Why is this important to my wife? Because she cannot say the word “Melissa” despite the fact it is my name. The e-mail was not addressed to anyone – no name whatsoever. Secondly, my wife forwarded some mail to me this week as well. When I got the envelope it had no first name on it…..just blank space and then my last name. For God sake- how hard is it to call me by name- Melissa? I realized I have a long way to go to even reach the goals of at least being cordial friends with my soon to be ex-wife but the loving mother of our beautiful children. However, if my wife cannot even say my name or write it in letter or e-mail, then how are my children ever to learn of me and share any of our lives together? It is also very difficult operating without any bank accounts or any credit cards that match your identity you are presenting but I hope this will come to an end with my impending legal name change. I cannot move forward in my life without it for sure. Sometimes I feel like I am in “name limbo” all while undergoing the distancing of myself from my core family. The bridge I must walk on this journey is a long one!

Paula has been coming down to visit for three day weekends and move some of things to our new home in Ohio. We have been out exploring some of the community in which we reside. The people have been very friendly and I have enjoyed interacting with some of the people at the post office, Wal-Mart and Kroger’s Infact, I experienced my first male flirtation the other day in the meat department of the store while shopping as this scrappy, young rugged looking man wanted to discuss the thickness of bacon for some extended period of time. I almost laughed out loud. I think the best approach to people is to be friendly and smile and wish them a wonderful day. It always seems to help if they make me as TG or think I am GG. Paula brought down some old dressers which we worked on restoring them for use.

During the move in of some of her outfits Paula started commenting on her dresses including one she stated made her look like a cow. Since it was a purple dress I began teasing her on the “purple cow”. I am sure she is exaggerating on its effects but we did spend some time discussing “purple cows” and laughing. Paula has been experiencing my culinary skills as well and she claims she will gain fifty pounds when she moves here full time in late October or November. I will too if I don’t find a way to get some exercise like I use to when I lived in WV. I enjoy cooking and baking and have made some wonderful meals for myself or Paula if she is here although Jenny has been in NM for a couple weeks and has missed out on the delectable delights. I also found Paula’s great weakness in bake goods. I made some chocolate chip cookies- from scratch of course as any good chef should do so. Paula is certified devoted “chocolate chip cookie junkie”. She ate three within one minute of me putting them on cooling rack. She continued eating them all afternoon and then ate more for dessert. If I had not hid most of them she would have ate them all. I think Paula would sell her soul to the devil or her body to the streets for a batch of chocolate chip cookies. However it was nice to see her enjoy my culinary skills! I guess if she keeps eating those cookies she may turn into that dreaded purple cow!

The week ahead will be some new ground for me as I take on my first Board meeting and professional event as Melissa and this will be a great triumph for me but I will be nervous I am sure. I am going to rely on my strategy of smiling and greeting people and wishing them a great day! Maybe I should bake them some chocolate chip cookies too!

True Friends -Part Deux

A few weeks ago I discussed my coming out to two female colleagues and the wonderful and exceedingly pleasant response I received from them when I did so. The industry in which I work is mostly female and the wonderful people in it hospitable professionals but Cathy and Mary were also my friends and it was nice that they also accepted me and wanted to remain friends as well. I additionally received exceedingly great news from my professional chapter on which I serve as a member of the Board of Directors which last week revised the website and directory to reflect my new life as Melissa including pictures on the website and the slideshow presentations to the chapter. I have received many letters of support from the other board members and all have begun addressing me in correspondence and phone calls as Melissa. I also received positive supportive letters from two companies/agencies I do work with which have already completed the process or in the process of updating their records for me to continue working for them as Melissa! While I surely welcome receiving this news my weekend finished with a grand ending with a luncheon with two of my old college buddies I have spent thirty years with these men in friendship.

David is my friend who has known about Melissa for a few years since he is also part of the LGBT community as a gay man. David came out to me a few years ago although I always suspected he was gay even back in college but when he told me about his sexuality several years back I felt he deserved to know my secret as well. Apparently this was not welcomed by some of my friends and acquaintances who have since learned about Melissa recently as they felt he should told others (them) and violated my confidence. David has received some grief about this most unfairly I might add. The bizarre nature in which some people think amazes me and I greatly appreciate the fact David held my secret in confidence until I was prepared to disclose it to the world. That to me is a good friend indeed. Stu is one of my closest male friends in my life and we met my first week of college and became friends instantly. We have vacationed together, gone to sporting events together and attended many parties and events together. Stu was best man at my wedding over 24 years ago.

I decided to meet both of them for lunch on Sunday after the attending the OPL function in Cincinnati Saturday night with Paula. Paula came with me to the luncheon which turned into a very pleasant two hour discussion of everything about my new life as Melissa to our college days in the fraternity which I doubt would now extend me an invitation to join as they did thirty years ago. We laughed about old times and talked of the future times and both David and Stu have come to grips with my new life as Melissa and want to continue our friendship of thirty years into the future although I am sure it will be different as they now associate with a woman friend. Paula enjoyed talking with them as well and afterward as we drove back to the house in Columbus she commented on how much she enjoyed meeting my old friends and thought they were wonderful people. I have had two lengthy conversations with Stu and David on the phone where we discussed more about me and being transgendered and the changes to come but this in person meeting over a delightful lunch was special as we talked about our past and our future as friends. I hope other friends will follow their led and want to meet and associate with me in the future in such manner but even if they don’t I have two wonderful friends in Stu and David who clearly demonstrate what true friendship is about in life. All I can tell anyone about coming out to friends and family in transition is this – be open to fact that in some cases the relationship will end or take a lengthy absence and in some cases people will accept you as who you really are and move forward in life with you in a new but albeit different relationship built on the past and the future.

A New Beginning

After some weeks of blogs that focused more on the negative than the positive although there were great periods of pain and some good news sprinkled about over last couple months, I chose this week to discuss my great joy in beginning my new life living fulltime as Melissa. I spent last week in intense physical workouts as a result of the moving of furniture and packing of boxes and loading of my u-haul truck which contained parts of my life over the last forty something years. I am still sore even today from all that lifting and carrying which was even more difficult due to my weaker upper body strength as my body continues to take the shape of the woman I have always been but hid so well for so long! On Friday morning, my wife left for work as usual and we decided to say our goodbyes then. I have known her for 28 years and we ended it in a goodbye that lasted a few tender moments. We held each other and cried and she said she hope it all works out for me in the future and I told her I wish her peace and happiness and that we needed to stay in touch and she said she would try to do so. With that parting I finished throwing the last of my stuff on the truck and cleaned up and presented my self as Melissa and drove off for my new home south of Columbus Ohio. My only regret was that had to become a “damn Yankee” in order to live life as Melissa although I will always be a southern girl by heart. Earlier that week I had gone to my doctor for the last time and she thought I looked great and so happy and she hugged me and wished me well in my life. Later that day I saw my minister (Episcopal priest) and he took me to lunch as Melissa and we discussed my life, the nature of transgendered people and I asked him to look after my wife left behind. He promised to do so and to stay in touch and wanted to read some of my writings and I sent him some later and he replied wishing me well and much peace in my journey.

I rolled into my new home on Friday afternoon to begin living life with Jenny and Paula and the three of us unloaded my truck and began to assemble my life in my new crib! I had a lot of fun although Jenny felt a little crammed as she had spread out into so many rooms and now had to share space and closets and bathroom cabinets with other girls. However, she had lived alone for nearly a year and I think she likes her new roomies and the company of others and we had a great Friday night together watching our new TV (the one that use to be in the entertainment center of my old homestead) and eating delicious pizza we ordered from a local pizza joint whose number is now stored in my cell phone. On Saturday morning we learned how to juggle three girls in and out of a showers and makeup mirrors. We worked on more moving and un-boxing of items and the integration of three lives into one home of great character. Jenny’s home is beautiful old home built in 1911- at a time when things were built to last and built big and with much style and flair and attention to details. I finally had a bedroom I always wanted once the strong bodied men finished carrying in the bed and assembling it. I have a closet full of my clothes- the ones I will now wear everyday and should have been wearing all my life. The bed is done in pinks and whites and lavender colors and accented by candles and pictures and a soft flowing feminine appeal. It is the room I dreamed of having all my life and I stood and looked at it all in the doorway with amazement and much happiness. I was saddened a bit by having to leave behind my kitties I love so much but Jenny remedied that with the presence of her wonderful little kitties that are so friendly and affectionate I love them already. For good measure she added in a gorgeous African Grey parrot whose best trick is her replication of the phone ringing! Jenny is leaving for a few weeks of work in NM and Paula must finish up her work before her retirement from a job that is tearing her down so much. That will leave more time for me to get everything organized in the new house and to take care of the little loving creatures which we share our space with in this new abode.

My life is definitely different than it was when the year began. Hormones, electrolysis, divorce and relocation to a new home all were dramatic enough but now I get to live life everyday being who I really am – Melissa. I wake up as Melissa, I spend the day as Melissa and I interact with others as Melissa. No more hiding the real me behind an ugly shell! Freedom has its price for sure- emotionally, physically and financially and the road ahead is not all a bed of roses by any stretch of the imagination! However, that is something I am prepared for and I await and embrace the new challenges with renewed energy and a sense I am now living the life I should have always been leading. It is too bad it took so long to figure all this out but I now know I am living it the way it should be lived everyday of the reminder of my life. The shell lies in pieces at my feet and more like in a shattered pile of rubble a few feet behind me. My life is at new beginning and I am open to all the possibilities it now presents and I look forward to getting up each day and looking in the mirror and the reflection which comes back is the real me- the one that was always there but hidden away too well. I love my new beginning and I am renewed to move forward in my life and all that it offers me. I am open to so many possibilities and I am a happy I am now presenting myself honestly for who I am and always have been- Melissa! Because of this and despite the bumps and bruises it has caused many including me, I am joyful and happy and ready to face the challenges of life, most of which have nothing to do with being transgendered. It is living life the way it was meant to be lived- it is a new beginning!