Drama

Drama

Drama…….. Drama…….Don’t want no Drama. It seems that our community of transgendered people more often than it should thrives on drama …so I guess the name drama queens and the association with soap operas seems appropriate sometimes when it comes to discussion and postings and blogs which proliferate in our community. Sometimes it seems like it is a war of factions- each taking turns taking shots at the other as well individual girls of our community. Recently, there was reported incident outside a club in Cleveland Ohio by one of our community members who attended at GNO scheduled there. Now, first of all, whether this incident actually occurred in the manner it was posted I cannot say because I was not present at the event. I do know the girl who posted it and I have stayed with her at hotels at her hospitality and she was always very nice and easy going so I have no reason to dispute what she said as not true either. It really does NOT matter. Incidents like these can occur anywhere and all that needed to be said was “girls…..be careful out there, watch your surroundings and where you park and keep an eye out for each other! After all, we are all sisters. I don’t want any harm to come to my sisters ever. I know it will happen some but that does not mean I want it to do so.
In response to this posting in which she also indicated she planned to continue going out and even return to that same club, another one of my sisters wrote a public blog attacking her and essentially calling her a liar and then in some bizarre conspiracy story indicated it was fabricated by another sister in order to hurt the scene in Cleveland and secure allies in the faction she evidently heads up. Mel Gibson would have loved this one for his movie “Conspiracy Theory” Heck….its all enough to make one’s head spin and for me to shout “stop the drama girls” Why these so called factions even exist and why everything gets discussed in such personal attacks on others in our community is beyond me…it truly is! I never want to tell anyone what to write about as I am a firm believer in our rights to free speech and thought but I do not approve of personal attacks on any of my sisters regardless of what so called “faction” they may belong to (assuming they even do) as if that is important anyway! I feel we have enough drama in our lives from being transgendered as it is, dealing with relationships, families, possible transition and purging and all sorts of crap we face all the time- not to mention what we get from those outside our community- especially those of the narrow minded thinking establishment and religious right.
We need to stop attacking each other –period. We can disagree or agree to disagree as all human beings do but surely personal attacks of any nature are not the solution to resolving any conflicts we may have among ourselves. We can express our differences without ever making it personal. I may not always agree with the opinions expressed by others by I do respect the opinion, the right to express it and the person who made it. We can see that all of our sisters are both unique as well as sharing many commonlities.
I abhor any attempt to divide or segment our community by simply who is a particular type of transgendered person such as a crossdresser or TS or anything in between and beyond! In fact, it irks me no end when I hear as TS person make a statement that implies they are downgrading a sister by saying something like “well …...they are just a typical crossdresser” I may be in one segment of our community to some people but I still love all my sisters and will strive to get along with everyone in the same. I will respect them and hope they will in turn respect me and consider me their sister. In fact, I would be adamantly opposed to any ENDA bill, that even if it included gender orientation, excluded gender expression in the same manner I opposed the ENDA bill which only protected sexual orientation but excluded protections for transgendered people. I think the term “gender orientation” fits more readily TS while the latter (gender expression) fits more readily CD. The bottom line is we all need human rights in the country and respect and dignity for all people. Sacrificing one element of the LGBT community to obtain gain for another is simply wrong!
Ladies…….its not a battle of TS versus crossdressers, it’s not a war of so called factions of our sisters, it’s not a conflict of groups or GNO events. It’s not a sport to personally attack our sisters. None of these things makes any sense. I know its human nature but we can do better. I know we can and I will keep striving to even do better myself. We can respect one another a little more, work for common goals, have fun together and try to put aside preconceived notions and embrace each other’s differences. It all really comes down to one common thread- Respect! We should expect it among all human beings but at the very least we should have it prospering among our own transgendered community! Come on girls…Stop the drama…. save it for Hollywood!

What is love?

This should be an easy blog to write for all I do normally is express my thoughts and feelings and post them to my blog sites. The words usually flow easily and I take great joy in writing as I always have most of my life and I apparently passed this passion and creativity to my daughter. However, in this blog the words don’t flow as easily as they normally should or do and it’s not because I don’t feel or the words aren’t there, it is because the words are so inadequate to describe my feelings and the feelings I have are so intense they almost interfere with their expression. For the first time in my life as Melissa (I say “Melissa” because the shell has felt love but I am not talking about the shell here ......I am ONLY talking about Melissa) I am deeply totally and passionately in love with someone who only sees the real me and embraces the real me and nurtures and comforts the real me who is busting out more and more every day as the shell crumbles to its demise and ruin!
This is not something which began overnight, on one night or even over one period of time of the last year- but I know some of you saw it coming maybe even before I ever did. About a year ago, I met a lovely transgendered lady by the name of Paula Katherine White. Recently, she confessed to me that she fell in love with me the night we met for the first time and we talked out on a patio one evening for hours. I will say truthfully I did not have the initial feelings for her that she obviously did for me but I loved talking with her more than anyone else I have ever met as Melissa although I love chatting with my sisters and brothers in the trans community very much and like to keep in touch when I can. However, I walked away that night after we met and hoped we would talk again and we did. Soon over months after that we began chatting frequently online and when we saw each other in person. Months later we began talking on the phone and over time that occurrence became a regular and even a daily occurrence. I could share anything with her…my entire soul …my horrible past…..the humor, the sadness, thoughts and feelings, happiness …there was absolutely nothing I would not share with her- ever. She grew to know more about me than any other person on this planet. I wanted her to know everything and I let it all flow. She told me everything about her and shared her thoughts and feelings and bared her soul to me. We talked and we talked for hours upon hours upon hours ……Paula is my best friend in the world and the strong base work of such let us take our feelings deeper and deeper. We never rushed into anything and we built a foundation of open and free communication which carried us to heights unknown to both of us before.
Now believe me we had opportunities to be together in the times we spent rooming together over the last year but until recently we never let anything initiate between us. Last fall we slept in the same bed together but instead of this turning into some night of passion we laid in bed talking to each other until we both fell asleep. I began to feel this girl was my soul mate and I was right of course as our souls seem to be intertwined …we somehow seemed to belong together and we continued to talk and support and share deep and even troubling feelings with each other …there was nothing we could not talk about with each other ever…when she had a crises or two I was there for her and God only knows she has pulled me out of some low points as well. I did not know there could be someone who was as perfect for me as Melissa as I found in Paula. The more we began to talk- the longer we talked …….we have talked for four hours or more on occasion…day after day we talked and shared. We found out we have so much in common and so many things we both love to do and see. Where o where has this girl been all my life I kept asking myself.
After nearly a year of talking and sharing we have had the opportunities to spend some weekend together shopping, sightseeing, dinning, and dancing and of course more talking and sharing. We also discovered we both have a sense of humor and we make each other laugh so much! Recently, one of these nights we lay in bed and held each other and gazed into each other’s eyes where we saw each other’s soul in a manner that escapes the proper description of words. I have never felt anything like this in my life. We kissed passionately and our love for each other flowed so wonderfully. We spent most of the two nights together caressing and touching and kissing and talking in the closest of intimacy that I have ever experienced and again it was without what most people would describe as physical sex. I simply loved being in her arms, I loved looking into her eyes…...I loved sharing myself freely with her and communicating without any restraints. We knew after that weekend that we cared and loved each other so deeply…....so intensely that wanted to spend more and more time together.
This past weekend we met again and it was the most weekend of my life. We talked, we shopped, we danced and we dinned and even went to a program together on transgendered rights. Paula has helped me grow so much as Melissa and I have her as well. We spent the night in each others arms…we fed each other dessert; we talked and talked and shared our deepest feelings. We kissed and caressed and walked hand in hand and so much in love with each other we even talked about a future together. It will not be easy for easy of us and there will be great anguish and hardship but we know one thing …no matter what happens- ever, we will always be there for the other and our love grows deeper and deeper by the hour! I have never felt, as Melissa, anything such as I have felt with her in my life. I feel whole …..I feel alive…I feel passion and tenderness like I have never ever experienced and it has touched my soul so very deeply!
What is love? I don’t know if we can ever fully describe what love is ……..but I believe we can sense when we have reached that pinnacle of relationship with another human being and I know I have in my life with Paula. In all honesty, I want to spend the remainder of my life on this planet with Paula and I hope everyone is able to someday, if you already have not done so, find someone that you love so deeply and passionately that your souls touch and who you want to spent whatever time you have here on this world together as we have.......Paula….I love you and I always will!

Growth

There are clearly many forms of growth in one’s life and in the journey of a transgendered person such as myself and I had some time this week to reflect on the different patterns of growth that has occurred in my life and in my journey. The first type of growth to be measured is physical growth. Now normally when we think of physical growth, we are talking about the changes that occur to teenagers such as hair, height, weight, and the other nuances of growth and change that is expected for such a time period in one’s life at that age. As we grow older, those changes are measured by hair loss, sagging breasts, wrinkles and weight gain over the years. However, for a transgendered person such as me, growth in the physical sense is measured by how much your body is growing or developing to more readily represent the true essence of who you are as a person. In my case, the erosion of the physical shell and the reshaping of my body to more readily reflect the presentation of Melissa. In that regard, I am experiencing much growth as my breasts are beginning to take form and shape even on my early stages of hormones. My skin is growing smoother and the hair less prevalent. My face is clearly showing its reshaping brought on by my extensive electrolysis over the last few months which has removed the shadow and made my face smoother and softer and more feminine. Additionally, the hormones have leveled me out more on an emotional level as they were designed to do.

The second type of growth one can experience is spiritual growth. This can be growth in one’s spirituality as well as one’s inner spirit. In my assessment these can overlap. I have always sought a greater understanding of God, our existence and the flow of inner and outer peace. I have tried a couple organized religions but in recent years I sought one that would be accepting of the LGBT communities as I believe one properly should but I yet to find that group yet. The one I currently belong to but now rarely attend pretends to be but in reality is a close minded as the Bible thumpers they try to distinguish themselves from in their arrangement. I think I was closer to figuring out God and the universe when I was in college and researched and wrote and extensive paper on the subject for an upper level philosophy class than I am today and I blame the organized religions for that occurrence. The other type of spiritual growth occurs from finding one’s own inner spirit and I think I am doing a much better job in experiencing that growth. Melissa has been so long repressed in that shell which has hid her from much of the world but in recent years that has substantially changed and so has my inner spirit soared as I face experiences as Melissa while emerges from the tired old shell. The freeing of my soul has made me exceedingly happy and joyful. How can this not be good? It is growth at its finest and sweetest for sure.

Growth can also occur emotionally and as I mentioned I have been aided by the fact the hormones have leveled me off more emotionally as I drive down the testosterone and increase the influx of estrogen into my body. It effects far more than the body. You began to feel more emotionally and it alters your thinking process to what seems to me to be a more feminine perspective. Men and women are wired differently and transgendered people are wired even differently. We have some emotions more commonly associated with both men and women but the hormones changes that again and we begin to think more as a woman than a man although there are no absolutes in this process. I have read several books now from transgendered people as well as having talked to many of my friends and everyone agrees that there is less anger and frustration, a calmer thinking and the deeper feelings of emotions which envelopes us as we journey along and experience HRT. I have always been one to cry but it seems I am touched even more deeply sometimes. I use to be filled with much more anger. I blame this on my heritage of a deadly combination of Scotch and German combined with the frustration of having my true essence crammed deep in a shell. As the shell erodes and the testosterone production is curtailed I am calmer and more at peace and much less likely to rise to anger. This calming effect makes it possible for more growth emotionally and spiritually and that again is a very wonderful thing.

I truly believe we must continually grow as human beings, and in my case as a transgendered woman, or we will die. Our bodies, our minds, our souls seek growth and while this true for all human beings it is exceedingly true for transgendered people whether one is on HRT or not. I know I have a great deal more growth to go and some of it will be quite painful physically but mostly emotionally. Sometime we fear emotional pain and I am know exception to this principle but it is necessary to grow and growth is what it is all about and growth is to be embraced and nurtured. I have much to go on my journey and much growth to experience but I will face it joyfully…… ….…the alternative to me is not even remotely acceptable!

“It takes great courage to grow up and turn out to be who you really are.” (Anonymous) (Quoted from Donna Rose’s book “Wrapped in Blue”

Vinyl Gems -NEW (4-6-08)

Well last week I tackled the scintillating topic of movie quotes from a slew of wonderful movies I love and how some of the lines came into our culture and had bigger meanings than when they were uttered in the movie theatre. This week I thought I would continue my disclosure of media sources which have shaped and impacted me by discussing my favorite albums. First of all, the “albums” I am talking about I once owned on vinyl (you know those big usually black round thing disc things with grooves in them that long time ago played music by application of a stereo needle). In fact, I had quite an extensive collection of “albums” for many years UNTIL I came home one day after my spouse had conducted a yard and garage sale where she was so happy she sold my box of albums we could not play anymore for a whopping $5.00. I am sure the fellow that bought them laughed all the way to bank with my collection of the Beatles “White Album”, Grand Funk Railroad’s “Were an American Band” the original Cars album on the limited blue vinyl release as well as many others nice gems! Oh well ……maybe a subject of another blog someday…..

Secondly, unlike my movie lines the albums are not really in numerical order because it is splitting hairs except for my No. 1 which is my favorite album of all time. Thirdly, I did not include any Beatles albums because well they would occupy the top ten- The Beatles did not make a bad album –all were incredibly spectacular. So just go ahead and pick one it should be on anyone’s top ten lists. Fourthly, I am a huge fan of rock and pop music. I grew up on it and since I had an older brother who brought forward small vinyl (45’s), I was introduced to music from 1950’s through the present. I enjoy other forms of music EXCEPT country and bluegrass but rock and pop were always my bread and butter. Lastly, no compilation or greatest hits albums were allowed on my list as well…..I have to discuss a couple of “honorable mentions” as well such as the Stone’s “Sticky Fingers”, Steely Dan’s “Asia”, Deep Purple’s “Machine Head”, Chicago’s Albums Two and Five, The Who’s “Who are you” and Led Zeppelin’s “Houses of the Holy” …

I also must give a special honorable mention to the Eagle’s “Hotel California” which was the best work of their very long and stellar career featuring such ballads as the title track, “Life in the Fast Lane” “Victim of Love” and my personal favorite “The Last Resort” with the classic but haunting line “to call someplace paradise is to kiss it goodbye”



So with that all said here goes it ………..

No.10. Aerosmith- “Toys in the Attic” The bad boys of Rock and Rock followed up the “Rats in the Cellar” single with this smash release in 1975 which featured the screeching vocals of lead singer Steven Tyler and the group is still kicking them out day. The album was rougher than the others listed below but the sound is good and the lyrics catchy as well. “Walk this Way” became a classic which has been remade two times, “Sweet Emotion”, “You see me Crying” the title track itself and the classic play on words from “ Big ten Inch” which slurs the words “except on my” to sound like “suck on my big ten inch……very catchy boys! ….

No.9. Jackson Browne- “Running on Empty” This is a solid album by a talented artist but he was not able to duplicate this work before or after this album. The work featured the title track itself, as well as “Rosie” (a tribute piece to masturbation), “Cocaine” (a tribute to drug addiction) “Love Needs a Heart”, the Load Out and “Stay” and “You Love the Thunder”. In fact, there is a hardly a weak track on this album released in 1976.

No.8. Emerson Lake and Palmer- “Brain Salad Surgery” Oh my I loved this album and played it until the grooves wore out for sure. A great album cover of the opening skull starts it off and inside such gems as “Jerusalem” which is a gripping opening track “Toccata” which was performed with an orchestra, “Still you turn me on”, and of course Karn Evil 9 (first, second and third impressions). This album was released in 1973 and still sounds as good today as it did then.

No.7. The Who- “Tommy” Now the Who had done some fine work before this piece with great hits like My Generation, Magic Bus, Squeeze Box and many others but the concept of the Tommy album as a rock opera was novel and fresh and it flowed as well any piece of vinyl ever could when it was released in 1969. It was a two record set and featured such classics as “Pinball Wizard”, “We’re not Gonna Take it” “I’m Free”, “Acid Queen” “Fiddle About” (now how many albums in 1960’s talked about child molestation?) and “Tommy Can you Hear Me?” as well as my personal favorite “Welcome”.

No.6. Led Zeppelin- “Led Zeppelin No.2. Now Led “the Head” was a phenomenal group and probably the best concert I ever saw in my live what I can remember of it (LOL). They had so many phenomenal pieces of works in their storied history but this album really cut their teeth on the scene and set them up for many more successes to come. Released in 1969, it featured such wonderful songs as “What is and What Should Never Be”, “Whole Lotta Love”, “Thank You”, “Ramble On” and “Heartbreaker”. The classics don’t get much better than this my friends.

No.5. Elton John-“Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” Elton John was a celebrated superstar that produced many wonderful albums and crashed the billboards hard with hit after hit but this two record set was a masterpiece not just for the ones that hit the billboard such as “Bennie and the Jets”, the Title track, and Saturday Night’s all Right for Fighting” but the lesser known gems on this work including as song about lesbians entitled “All the Young Girls Love Alice” and delightful pieces such as “Grey Seal”, “Harmony”, “This Song Has no Title”, and Your Sister Can’t Dance but she can Rock and Roll” The album begins hauntingly with “Funeral for a Friend” blended eloquently with “Love Lies Bleeding” 1973 was vintage year indeed!

No.4 Jimmie Hendricks- “Are You Experienced” In 1967, this incredible album featuring one of the greatest guitarists in the world burst on the scene in a tour de force with a debut album the industry had not seen. Delightful gems included “Purple Haze” (which does not contain the line Excuse me while I kiss this guy but instead “excuse me while I kiss the sky”) “Can you see me”, “Hey Joe”, The Title Track itself and “Foxey Lady” and a personal fav of mine “Stone Free”. Sweet riffs at their best for sure.

No 3. The Rolling Stones- Some Girls Released in 1976, the Stones reached a plateau in their career with the release of the phenomenal album which firmly established them as one of the greatest rock and roll bands of all time. They had already produced classics such as “Wild Horses”, “Jumping Jack Flash”, “It’s only Rock and Roll”, “Let’s Spend the Night together” and many others. The title track smash of this release, which if you bought one of the original releases as I did, contained the line “Black girls just want to get” Fu**ked all night” ripped the album into a classic and created huge sexist and racial controversy. The songs flowed well on the vinyl and features such classics as “Miss You”, “Far Away Eyes”, “When the Whip Comes Down” (which might be a personal fav of my good friend Mandie- LOL) as well as “Shattered” “Beast of Burden” and Just My Imagination ( running away with me )”.

No. 2 Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band- “Born to Run” Oh my did this group with the grumbled voice lead singer burst on the scene in 1975 with the release of this classic gem that skyrocketed them to the simultaneous cover of Time and Newsweek Magazines and the lads of this group of talented musicians have rocked on the scene for over thirty years just releasing a new album last fall which is reminiscent of the earlier work. They had produced a few works before but had only a regional following in the heart of Asbury Park, New Jersey. “Born to Run” featured the Title track which became the band’s anthem but may have been outdone by the other songs on this vinyl including “Tenth Avenue Freeze Out”, “Jungleland”, “Backstreets”, “She’s The One” and of course “Thunder Road” Its no wonder I have seen The Boss and his band a dozen times since 1976.

No. 1 My personal number one album of all time is …..Pink Floyd- “Dark Side of the Moon” This album is as solid as any album can come and features the best work of this very talented and intellectually intense membership in the group. It begins with our heartbeats and ends the same way fading out and features such classics as “Time” which has some of my favorite lyrics of all time …...Ticking Away the moments that make up the dull day…..shorter of breath and one day closer to death….Other pieces on this classic album include “Money” “Brain Damage/Eclipse”, “Us and Them” , “On the Run” and “Breathe” This album seemed to define life in general with b
I’ll see you all…..on the dark side of the Moon…….irth, the breathing our air, racing against time, the pursuit or lack of money, the great Gig in the sky….. until the final closing piece …


I'll see you all...................... on the dark side of th moon

Where's My Cosage? (Summer 2007)

I will admit it and most of you will admit it too if you really think about.... ..I so wanted to go to the prom or wedding party or some formal social event as Melissa when I was much younger. The long beautiful gowns and sparkling high heels, the beautiful and colorful flowers, the pictures and the nice formal dinner and dancing were things I thought it was so dreamy! I went to the prom in high school and I have gone to formal weddings and special events like an inauguration but atlas, in each occasion, it was in the drab boy mode where I was usually wearing a tuxedo and not the long flowing pretty gown I so desired to wear as Melissa which I would have worn after I spent the day in the spa getting my manicure, pedicure, facial and makeover that would have made me sparkle in the outfit and heels with my corsage attached to my wrist or breast area! I remember going to these events in my drab boy clothes and just starring at the girls who had been so fortunate to be born as lady who had spent the day doing this very thing and looking so beautiful and elegant and feminine in their gowns and dresses.
That is why I going to the events like Be-All, Gala or SCC. I of course love doing just about anything as Melissa whether it be dancing, shopping, picnicking, bowling ,dinners, movies, theatre or other fun things and I also love to spend time with my friends and sisters without question whether it is a coffee house or special party. Events like the Be-all or Gala or SCC allow me also to see some girls I only get to see a couple times a year. I enjoy doing the regular activities and picking up some helpful information at workshops or from just chit chatting with my sisters as well. However, the main reason I love going to these special events like the Gala or Be-All is not for the things I set forth above because I can get those things from day to day or weekly activies and interaction with my sisters - it is because for two or three times a year I get to be that girl I always dreamed about when I went to the prom or wedding or special formal event with Melissa so neatly tucked away under my tuxedo. I get to be Melissa in her most feminine beauty....with my long gown and matching heels and my makeover and matching jewelry and accessories and spend the evening dinning and dancing. It almost makes up for the loss of those opportunities most if not all of us missed out on when we were young!
The Be-All's final night program was dreamy to say the least! I got my makeover that day and touched up my nails. I put on his soft ,satiny, beautiful royal purple gown and matching purple sparkle heels and my formal patent clutch purse and I gazed into the full length mirror and I saw her - Melissa as she would have been at her prom , wedding party or formal event that she missed out on early in life. We left the hotel and were taken by stretch limos to the banquet where a red carpet awaited our arrival and flashing pictures and video like we had arrived for the Academy Awards Celebration. The reception was wonderful with cocktails and snacks and light piano music playing. The dinner was spectacular and the twenty minute firework production over the lake during dinner was fabulous and I spent the night dancing soaking it all in.
Now I am not in favor of doing this everyday or even every week or month. If that happened then these would not longer be special events. They are also not realistic because most real women don't go to more than one or two of these type of events a year anyway. Casual wear and dance club wear or picnic mode is fine most any day or night. But - a couple times a year it is so nice to bring out that beautiful gown and get all dolled up so pretty and feminine for a night of fun at a special event and, for just an evening, relive the events early in life like the prom or wedding as you really wish you could have experienced them - as the girls we were although society and others would not let us experience these events in such a manner as we so desired.
Now sometime if I can ever get one of the corsages for these events I know I finally will have lived out the dreams of my youth on those spring days and evenings in high school when prom season arrived or the long days of summer filled with weddings and gala events!

Be-all I can be and getting it back in the Shell (Spring 2007)

Just got back from the Be-All Convention (Be-All you can be? Hmmm…...can't place it right now but I think some military group had this same "theme" a few years back) in Chicago where I lived five wonderful days and nights as Melissa. I had a great fun roomie in my WV girlfriend Joanne Carter and had a ball meeting some many wonderful new people and renewing some old acquaintances in the sisterhood. First, let me say it was a well planned and executed event with lots of fun things like the pool party, dinners with great food, awesome suites, well placed vendors and time for everyone to take in shopping and seminars as well as fun hitting the clubs and dancing at night! The fun started Tuesday on arrival and the unloading of all my wardrobe which was quickly criticized by roomie Joanne -but she was impressed by the fifteen pairs of shoes I brought which did not even make a dent in collection). We went to the hospitality suite for food and drinks and mingled and I quickly engaged in doing my favorite activity (get your minds out of the gutter people) which is meeting new sisters and chatting with them. Interaction with old friends and making new ones in our sisterhood is something I cherish deeply!
Wednesday was the trip to the casino where I actually came out ahead which is always a good thing I say (although not as good as two girls who went with us - one won over 2000 dollars in craps ) Wednesday was also the pool party where I arrived for the first time in bathing suit as Melissa ( a scary proposition to say the least) The food was good and afterward we headed out to some clubs where my roomie Joanne made her first mistake of the trip by forgetting her ID even though we are older than dirt ! Thursday brought some seminars and my first real viewing of the vendors. I enjoy some of the sessions and I took a big chance and went to the one called "voices” which had nothing to do about our voice pitch but about our written expressions as transgendered people. I read one of my earlier blogs ( The Cocoon) and one I wrote in class as well. Powerful stuff and not by me but by many other vastly talented people who just happen to be transgendered. It opened my soul to hear such expressions! Thursday we went out to dinner after changing our minds ( like girls do ) about five times as to where we were going to dine. Thursday night was the open bar and food party at a cool club where we heard a rocking band called "Barely Standing" who played lots of 70's , 80's and 90 's rock music. My roomie Joanne made her second blunder of the event by consuming incredible mass quantities of alcohol which forced her to visit the ladies room so she can now say she tossed her cookies and then some in a ladies room of a general club. She was taken back to the hotel room for further nursing and expunging. She looked like hell the next morning and all the makeup in the world is not going to fix that my friends!
Friday was some more shopping and seminars and more opportunities to meet and chat with more of my sisters. I adored the session on "outrageous eyes" and also checked out electrolysis. It is something I would love to try but it is not cheap for sure and even the new techniques seem a bit “painful". But at least I have more information to make informed decisions. Friday we also had a luncheon with a fashion show and dinner with the talent show and girls we have some talented sisters for sure! Our feminine side is a great source for creative talent most definitely. Finally, on Friday we went to the club called Hunters where I danced and had fun and watched Joanne nurse cokes and water all night ( hmmm- I wonder why hon.?) Saturday I had more opportunities to meet more girls and I took some outdoor pictures of a girl named Jennifer who just had a makeover and I enjoyed so much chatting with her as well (just wish I had Glenda's talent for photo shoot but they still came out pretty well ) Saturday luncheon was awesome as we heard from Susan Stanton the transgendered person who was lynched by her townspeople and her council after 17 years of splendid work because God forbid she announced she was transitioning after being outed ( well I guess we all know woman can't be city directors as this position must be filled by only men I guess ) I will say this - for a person who has undergone all that she has she still has a wonderful sense of humor and did a great impersonation of the Baptist minister who was on council and made the wonderfully compassionate "Christian " statements and who has obviously studied Jesus ' HR policies in his study of theology!
On Saturday evening we rounded out the event with a fabulous evening of a limo ride after dressing in our formal gowns and dresses where we received the red carpet treatment and photos and a wonderfully delicious meal with a fifteen minute firework production over the lake! I dreaded Saturday night though because I know what it brings - Sunday morning and the packing up of Melissa -but just like the fact that all my new things added from shopping now produced bags that just did not hold it all like they did when I came five days earlier, my shell did not fit so well on Melissa either. My emersion into Melissa for extended periods of time and interactions with my sisters in seminars, over coffee, in the lounge or over dinners always expands me and pushes me forward in my journey as Melissa and I no longer fit as well in the shell that covers her from the most of the world who produce people like the above mentioned minister on council. You know when you try to recover something you opened, it just never seems to fit as well as it did before you opened and unpacked it. That is how I view Melissa after these experiences and just like when you don't quite cover something after you have opened it and parts of it now out stick out and show , more of Melissa is revealed by my shell and I wonder whether one day the shell will fit at all and I will be standing there as Melissa for all the world to see. I know this day may come - I have known it since I began this journey and I only hope that when it does I have the courage of Ms Stanton and many others like her and friends who will support me in place of the shell which once trapped me

The First Time (Spring 2007)

Everybody loves the first time they do something new or big or the first time they experience something whether it is the first time they ride a bike or a new exciting ride on a the latest attraction to the amusement park or the first time they drove a car alone. The thrill of doing it for the first time and living the experiences we crave in our lives is one of the driving forces that keeps us going in this world. Comming out of the closet for the first time and going out into public enfemme for the first time is no different, but of course, it is unique to our transgendered community.
Last weekend, I got to see the other end of that expereince when after months of discussion and proding in my efforts to outreach , I was able to convince my friend Roxanne ( Roxi ) to come out of her well stocked and deeply embedded closet and enter the world bring ing Roxi to the world and meeting her sisters who embraced her as I knew they would. She did so at the Pink Essence -GNO in Akron last week. I know she struggled to get to this point but I clearly sensed in her the need to get out and meet her sisters and I was still mildly suprised she showed at the hotel . I helped her get ready and make the final prepartions for our night out Unlike some first timers, she did not merely go to an alternative club under the cover of darkness but also went out in broad daylight strolling through a shopping area in Quaker Square and had dinner with some of the girls there as well. I talked with her several times this week and she was still living on that high of being out in public and meeting so many of her sisters who embraced her and had fun with her that night.
I remember the first time I went out in public with trhe assistence of a prodding sister when I was in New Orleans visting there in mid 90's . Carla ( not the one in Pink essence in Ohio who is my close friend) was the girl's name and she spent weeks online with me convincing to make this giant leap out of the dark, deep and lonely closet to come out in public for the first time . I was so scared that day I could barely eat and I was out getting ready all afternoon with my nails and wig styling and shopping for that minute accessory. I walked from the hair and nail salon for five blocks in broad daylight with my friend and had a drink at a local club before heading to the tg party that night for dinner and drinks and out to another four or five clubs . I did not want the night to end and I remember with each step I took walking ( despite the four inch heels ) I kept gaining so much confidence- all while realizing Melissa was free from her self imposed containment.
Several things happen when you go out for the first time as a transgendered person. First, you get that rush of excitement of doing something for the first time that is new and exciting. Secondly, if you go to a dinner, club or party where you meet other transgendered girls its so incredible when you walk in that room and find 40, 50 or in my case 60 other girls - you just want to scream Oh my God.......I am not alone!!! Thirdly, you gain confidence in yourself and begin the journey in a different direction of being out and more free - for the journey can only go so far in a dark and lonely closet! Lastly, you realize how much fun you can have being with your sisters and having a great time. Although the exhilaration of going out the first time fades as you go out more frequently and the journey soon puts you further down the road and you know clearly you aren't alone ( in fact, I have been fortunate to be out all over - both locally and nationally and even internationally if you count Canada and met hundreds of sisters ), there is still one of the factors in play every time I go out as Melissa-I still realize how much I need to be with my sisters and how much I enjoy being with them and having fun with them. As long as I have my sisters and friends I can experience that one small part of going the first time over and over again!
Lastly, I am committed to helping any sister that truly seeks to come out and wants a big sister to help them. If you are serious ( no games) in wanting to take that step, all you ever have to do is ask me for my help and I will do anything I can to assist you to make it happen. As I have said many times, my sisters are very important to me - they enrich me and I have so much fun being with them!
Hugs, Melissa

Hiding from the Public? (Spring 2007)

Ok I know I am risking controversy with this post but sometimes you just have to write what you feel if you are to be successful at it. I was having a conversation with a TG friend of mine the other day who I have chatted with over the last few months. We were going to actually meet for the first time in person at the upcoming Akron GNO. The GNO by the way was very nice and enjoyable and kudos to Chloe for another success! I had a blast as I always do when I am spending time with my sisters. However, back to issue at hand before I digress too far. I asked my friend is she was going to come to the dinner at the Mexican restaurant before we headed to the club She said no and I thought the usual response was that she was not confident enough to go out in public (although she has no reason to feel this way as she would have fit in very nicely at the dinner table or mall or anywhere for that matter.) However, her response went beyond the typical fear of public exposure thing commonly and rightfully associated with most TGs. It is a long and painful journey we all face from denial and fear to acceptance and embracement of our gift of being transgendered. We all continue along this journey of these various levels as well as the journey of going out in clubs to going out in public in general. I am still on this journey and there are girls who are far ahead of me and others who lag behind me ( it is my believe we need to all reach out and help those along the way if they ask for help in their journey- girls this is not easy!)
Her response was that others in the restaurant and other places I presume like mall or stores or wherever have the public in them and certain members of the public in these establishments might discover we are tgs and become uncomfortable with that and we should not be making customers uncomfortable. So if I read this statement correctly we should not go to shows or stores or restaurants because someone in the place may discover I am a tg and that might make them uncomfortable. I think it is the first time I actually really felt upset in a chat.
What she was saying resonated through me and it hurt. First of all, I know there are some who don't ever care if they go out in public and that is cool with me. I know each of us has to make their own decisions and I chose to venture out into public sometimes to experience more of life as Melissa and to be with friends and maybe let others see we are just people - albeit different but still people just doing everday things and having fun. Maybe I will or won't change anyone's perspective I don't know and although I would like to its ok if I don’t. But I'll be damned if I am going to let the possible uncomfortableness of a person affect where I go to be with friends. What does that say about me or other tgs - that we are freaks? undesirables? unwelcome in public places ? maybe we should have segregated spaces like in the days of this country's ugly racial discrimination (Oh we have a table available for you and your friends in the back room where others cannot see you so they won't be uncomfortable ...Table for six in the "Tg section " coming right up as soon as the cook clears his work area in the back room for you)
Now I know I am exaggerating a bit but it is to make a point. If you are not comfortable with going out in public that is fine and if you want to try I or others will help you as sisters. If you never make it, then you don’t..Some girls never even make it out of closet despite our offer of help. That’s ok if that is where your journey ends. We are all different in this approach to being out and that is ok but please don't suggest I should not go out in public because I might possibly make someone uncomfortable. Now I am happy to be out as much as I can as Melissa (my true self) and to be with my friends. I may falter at times and I will continue on my journey where it guides me but I will never concede going somewhere just because of someone else's uncomfortableness with the transgendered community. If I do that, what does that say about me and my sisters I care about dearly!

Anyone got a Light? (Spring 2007)

It is a strange phenomena and one of exploration and observation but I have seriously wondered about the link between being transgendered and smoking. I, for one, am a non smoker and have been all my life (well at least of tobacco products). However, I am clearly a minority in the transgendered community
(Not that bothers me any). I would safely estimate that probably 75 % of all transgendered girls I know smoke cigarettes. Like I said, it does not deter me from going to the clubs or other activities with my sisters and it rarely , if ever bothers me . It has just never been my cup of tea as they say. I don't smoke in boy mode so I never have had any desire to do so as Melissa.
However, it does interest me that such a high number of t-girls smoke. I know most of the girls smoke in boy mode as well so it just carries over in their feminine side as well. I have met several transgendered people and they told me that they do not smoke in boy mode but enjoy smoking when enfemme and this has me wondering even more. What drives so many of us to smoke and what would drive a t- girl to smoke even though she does not smoke when in her boy mode? I have met and chatted with a few girls who consider smoking to be a "fetish” and this only makes me wonder even more.
What could be possible explanations for this phenomenon? If only say 35-40% of population smokes then why would 75% of t-girls engage in such activity? Is it because they may be nervous about their transgendered nature and all that entails for themselves , their loved ones and society's feelings about it and smoking helps them relax? Is it because t- girls see themselves with cigarettes in hand and like the look of lipstick adorning the butt of the cigarette? Maybe its that transgendereds have an oral fixation (Wow did that just open a can of controversy) and this fixation is satisfied with a good smoke? I don't know the answers ......I just raise the questions and express my observations. However, I can foresee a federal grant being awarded for this study..Yeah sure ...but in the meantime, smoke them if you got um and I will not complain..However, I won’t be offering you a light either (just one more thing I don't have room for in my purse).

Oooooooohhhhhh......those shoes (2007)

OK, last week I took a stab at other's addictions and habits with my analysis of the smoking interests of the transgendered community and my theories on this phenomenon. This week it is confession time for Melissa (good for the soul I heard) and my addiction or habit as they say....the shopping for and acquiring of mass quantities (really no other word for it) of shoes and boots. Ok, I admit it..I adore shoes and boots and I love even more to shop for them! There, I said it! I guess that is the first step like when you go to an AA meeting or something ...Hi, my name is Melissa and I am a shoe junkie. Well it started like this......
I truly adore shoes and boots and love shopping for them with a passion (not that I don't mind shopping for dresses, skirts, accessories and other outfits as well ...as I do love to shop till I drop) but put me out there on a shoe quest and oh my, look out if you get in my way for a pair of size ten pumps! My shoe habit has brought me to make several observations about this interest in duplicating Imelda Marcos' shoe closet I know some young Tgs out there are going.....who is Imelda Marcos? This woman, while married to the "leader of the Pilipino people” acquired hundreds of shoes that occupied a massive shoe closet discovered after her husband was "tossed out of office as we say" ).
First of all, I will rationalize the purchase of any pair of shoes or boots. I know those are the sixth pair of white shoes but really the other five are different because these are open toe and patent while the others are merely pumps or sandals or white leather or wedges or whatever else may occupy space in my ever expanding shoe closet (Ok ...run out right now and buy stock in a company making shoe trees!) I will always think for just a minute before I purchase them ......Yes, I have at least one outfit that will go with them so I really need them to complete that outfit and before you can say high heel pump these delightful shoes are part of my collection. This pair will match that cute purse I just got last week. I have an endless number of excuses of justifying the acquisition of the newest addition to my shoe closet!
Secondly, I always see these new pairs of shoes as "adorable ". I will be walking through the mall or shopping online when all of a sudden these adorable pair of purple high heel pumps will just jump out at me and I stop at the store window or page and say…...Aren't those shoes just "adorable " Before you can say strappy heels these "adorable shoes "are in a box headed for my shoe closet which is going to require remodeling for more space soon (any one know a good contractor?) Heck , I once acquired a beautiful pair of gold strappy heels on the basis that I might actually purchase a gold dress to go with them some day ....now that is rationalizing folks!
Now that I have come clean with my addiction I feel better or at least I will as soon as I find those two tone pumps to go with that mint green and pink outfit I just purchased! So if anyone remembers my birthday or wants to get me something nice for the holidays (any holiday will do) just keep this in mind ....I prefer an open toe, love patent, adore pink and oh yes, and a size ten medium please... Now can someone please hand me another shoe tree....

The Coffee Bitch and Crack Whore ( Spring 2007)

I always enjoy meeting, spending time and getting to know my sisters and this weekend in Akron was no exception. In fact, it was a very nice treat for me to spend some extra time with a special girl Emma. Emma contacted me after we met briefly at the GNOA in February of 2007 and we chatted back and forth for a month. During that time we got to know each other and felt pretty comfortable and realized we liked many similar things. So when Emma realized she was going to have the whole weekend free, and my scheduled permitted me to come up from Columbus where I was working on Friday evening and spend the weekend in Akron, we decide to get a room a Red Roof a night earlier and spend some time having some girl fun.
Emma and I both love doing girl things like makeup, shopping, pampering and primping (not pimping). We find them both relaxing and enjoyable and opportunities to do some girl things with other girls that neither of us got to do when we were in high school when were still over compensating in sports and struggling with denial. We never got to do those things that other girls did together. So why not doing them over a weekend and tie it all in with the GNO as well. I arrived Friday evening and Emma was already there. She claims I looked vastly different in boy mode and was stunned when I came in room. I don't share her sentiments because I believe my eyes give me away- not that I really care. Both of us got dressed and we decided to offer each other our advice on makeup. I showed Emma the use of my primer wheel which works to conceal red areas, circles , and yellow tones as well as a tip on mascara ( always brush both up as well as down on lashes ) I also showed her my use of the L’Oreal two in one shocking mascara( definitely worth the cost). She showed me a tip on eyebrows as well as eyeliner by use of her cover girl perfect eyeliner pencil ( this is the stuff we all have could used in high school instead of how to destroy your opponents on the field ) .Then Emma let me do something I have always wanted to try - the styling of her hair. Emma is one of those fortunate girls that gets to use her real hair and gets to enjoy styling it while it is on her head. She showed me hoe to use her hot curlers and styling hot air brush and picture and I had a fun styling her hair. I don't think it came out too bad for my first time and I enjoyed doing it for her. Afterward we did a photo shoot and then crashed after eating our Chinese food we had ordered with a bottle of wine.
The next morning I discover something else about Emma -although this definitely not her best attribute. She likes to get up early (I mean real early girls for a Sat morning) and the next thing I know I am woken up by her movements in the room at 6AM! However, to her credit she had brewing the coffee I brought in the coffee maker she brought. I adore coffee in the morning and maybe all day long although the morning is very essential. She poured me some in my pink coffee cup (now there's a surprise!) and she continued to do so for two hours while we chatted about some many things in our lives. I essentially never had to leave the comfort of my bed while she continued to brew coffee and serve me cups in a manner which would have made any waitress at Denny’s or IHOP proud! So I began to kidding and affectionately calling her my coffee bitch ... (oh coffee bitch my cup is running low).
After cleaning up and getting some breakfast we took turn doing each other's nails - hers in musty brown and mine in of course -pink) WE decided to go up to Salon 176 and get some facials done which were exceedingly nice pampering ( I know I could have fallen asleep as the warmth of the towels covered my face and the water trickled down beside me - so incredibly relaxing). We scurried back down the road and began getting ready for the dinner Chloe had so nicely arranged at Quaker Square) and then of to the GNO at Lydia’s. Emma offered to do my eye colors and I gladly accepted her offer. just that time Beth came around and rehashed the story of my commenting on my how poorly I had done my eyes in December at the Christmas Party ( see previous blog) and that I had thought I looked like a crack whore on a Sat night. After that Emma began affectionately and kidding calling me crack whore the rest for the time. We hurried off to dinner and then Lydia’s for a wonderful evening of fun with our sisters and before you know it and a trip to Denny's it was Sunday morning (an hour shorter thanks to Daylight Savings Time) . But my awakening resulted in two things happening. First , I truly did look like a crack whore because in my rush to hit the pillow I had only partially removed my makeup but before long I heard the gurgle of the coffee maker brewing hot coffee and soon my coffee bitch was pouring me cup as I lay prone in my bed. We chatted some more and got cleaned up and packed and soon our weekend of girl fun ended with the crack whore and the coffee bitch exchanging hugs and extending well wishes and hopefully knowing a bit more about each other while enjoying a great weekend of girl fun. Emma is a wonderful girl and I see myself as truly enriched by the wonderful girl time we had together! Now if only I could find a way to bottle up the part of her that has my coffee brewing and in my cup next to my nightstand before I leave the confines of my bed I would be even more enriched!

Frankly my dear....Communicate! (NEW)

I think movies have an enormous impact on our lives and many times these movies produce wonderful lines which are integrated into our language and culture over time and many of which have significant meanings for us as human beings on this planet larger and deeper than the movie itself. I have been thinking about many of these movie lines recently because either I have seen the movie on television (Thank God for the movie channels because most of programming TV really sucks!), or the certain lines have meaning to the situation at hand. In either regard, I have complied for discussion my top ten movie lines which I feel have had significant impact on us or which have meanings far greater than the circumstances in the depicted in the film itself.

No 10. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn”. This famous line was uttered of course by Clarke Cable as Rhett Butler in response to the maniacal whining of Scarlet O’Hara who kept saying “But what will I do?” First this film was the earliest film to produce a famous movie line when it was produced in 1939. Second, it provoked serious outrage when the film was released as patrons walked out of movie theatres in protest of the utterance of this “cuss word”. Can you imagine the how these people would have reacted to today’s films and just for the “heck of it” I envisioned how this line would be reworked today if a remake was undertaken and I sense it going something like this ….. “Listen Bitch…..Go F@@k yourself …Hmmm…anyone heard that recently?

No 9. “I’ll be Back” …....the famous words spoken by then actor and now Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in the original terminator movie. Now Arnold at that time was more know for his brut strength than his acting talents and I believe he only had about a total of 15 words in the entire movie but that was a catchy one indeed. It was repeated often by society and became synonymous with the fact we were not finished with our work, our task or our pursuits and while we may be gone for a while we would return to complete them and pursue them with a vengeance!

No. 8 “I’m mad as hell and I am not going to take it anymore” …the famous lines uttered in the film the 1970’s classic movie Network. This line has been parodied by many in recent years and is even the subject the of a stupid TV commercial now for consolidation of annuities and structured settlements. Most of us in this world get upset about things in life which we seem to not even have control over in our life. We grow frustrated and everyone has their breaking point and we just to run and scream. I have this weird felling sometimes that when I am frustrated about things and I am driving I just want to stop the car and start running around a yard or field somewhere screaming my head off ……A close analogy to this quote is also from a movie… “Stop the madness!”

No.7. “We need a bigger boat”. At the time it seemed like a small little unimportant line for a movie that involved silly mechanical shark that was determined to destroy its attackers in the famous thriller Jaws which is more known for its famous eerie tune when the shark was about to attack than any lines. However, if you really think about it has many practical applications in today’s world. How many times have we approached a task in life or work and found we did not have the right tools or enough manpower or determination to accomplish this task and have to go get that “bigger boat” to accomplish what is needed to move forward.

No. 6 “I love the smell of napalm in the morning!” This line was uttered by actor Robert Duvall on the beaches of Vietnam in the long but entertaining movie Apocalypse Now. There are many famous lines which have been spoken in movies dealing with war as America has fought many wars in its life time and Hollywood has filmed all these wars form every perspective possible. I chose this on for the every reason it was uttered in a film about the Vietnam War which was the beginning of a time when America also began to question why we needed to be involved in every conflict around the world and the frivolity of war which took the lives of many innocent young people which continues today in the mess our boy George has this country in Iraq proving when it comes to wars we just don’t seem to learn …...maybe we are to busy smelling the napalm to see what has happened to us!

No.5 “You’ve got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk….Go ahead, make my day” These words were spoken by Dirty Harry actor and latter director and producer and even mayor Clint Eastwood. Well we ask our self that very question almost every day we get up and set out in our world and adventures. Do we feel lucky? Is this the day something good will happen or will we face consequences that seem out of our control or did we calculate something incorrectly leading to serious consequences and even possible death Go ahead …...make your day!

No 4. “Life is like a Box of Chocolates” Ok I will admit this film was a bit corny but it was also a good and provide a humorous look at our world over the last fifty years through the eyes of a very simple man played exceedingly well by actor Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump. We truly do not know what the world will bring us each day we wake up and start that pot of coffee. Will this be the day we find love? Will this day the day the world realizes it failures and advances our society? What new event, meeting or person will come into our lives and how will affect us? What is in store for us this day, this week, this month, and this year? We don’t know what lies ahead and we must take each thing that does with understanding that tomorrow will bring even more changes and events …..Life is truly like a Box of Chocolates …you never know what you are going to get…..and we don’t! Eat the damn thing and find out…..


No. 3 “ Well, nobody’s perfect” These words were first stated in the classic film Some Like It Hot and nothing could be closer to the truth for us as human beings. We are imperfect beings and we make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them except if we are the government in which we repeat them if it involves and armed conflict and we codify them if they are a policy to govern our lives. But we know that is bullshit! WE are imperfect beings and we always will be….. ..We strive to achieve perfection which will always eludes us and always will as long as we remain humans. Stop to make someone perfect ….stop trying to be perfect …stop striving for a goal which cannot be humanly achieved …just accept what comes and strive to do your best !

No2.” Get busy living or get busy dying” Now I will have to admit this movie is one of my favorite movies of all time and I love the symbolism in it as a man suffers injustice and loss of freedom for something he did not do but finds redemption after wadding through shit to be washed clean in a river and rain that soaks his body and frees his soul to pursue his life long dream and the companionship of a dear and good friend! I have always seen myself in the role of that person played so well by Tim Robbins. We have really two choices in life ….we can either spend it living each day to its fullest or we can spend it trapped and preparing for our impending demise. Get busy living people …..The alternative is not really a good option in my book!

No. 1 “What we‘ve got here is a failure to communicate” I have no idea how many times I have uttered this line in my life but it has been a many I would say. These important words were stated by the warden in the classic film “Cool Hand Luke” …..Pink Floyd used this quote for the basis of its song “Keep Talking” “then something happened…….man learned to communicate”…..It defines our entire world in a nutshell. Why do relationships fail? Why to problems occur at work? Why do countries war and live in conflict in a constant cycle? It’s simple we just don’t communicate! Communication is the key to any success and accomplishment in our society. It is the foundation by which our society advanced and will continue to advance. We have so many devices for communication in this world and more seem to arrive each day. Phones, cell phones, computers, letters, e-mails, I pods, faxes and the list goes on and goes on…..yet we are still plagued by the failure to communicate with each other and many times it is the root of why we have so many problems….I know I fail in this regard many times…but I am trying …hopefully I communicated something worth while in this blog you might take to improve your life my friends!!!

Hugs, Melissa

Politics is the Master Science (NEW)

Well over the past several months I have commented on topics in my blog such as my transition, religion or better yet religious intolerance and even sex or the lack thereof. This week I would love to talk about politics! I want to do so primarily because of the uniqueness of the political scene in 2008 with a Democratic Party caught up in a battle for its standard bearer it has not seen in decades and the Republicans soon to nominate someone no one thought it would nominate when all this process began last year and one who does not fit the mold of the party’s standard cookie cutter mold of the past twenty years. This is the most interesting election I can remember since the one I cannot remember between Kennedy and Nixon but studied in school many times. See- first of all I was a political science major in college and studied government, politics, political systems and law because of its fascination to me. Secondly, I remember even as a child in 1968 sitting in front of TV with my map coloring in who won what state between Nixon and Humphrey and watching the disgust on my father’s face as he saw that old Tricky Dick was going to win the Presidency.

I remember back in college watching some of my friends and even my wife studying these gigantic texts filled with all the science any biology or chemistry major could handle including such fun courses as PE Chem, microbiology and organic Chemistry while I whizzed through my courses filling my blue books with all sort of rhetoric and just to get more of I even took up a minor in Philosophy. They would always talk about how much prestige and work was involved in their scientific majors but I always responded with a quote from one of my favorite political philosophers- Aristotle who said “Politics is the Master Science” And by God, he was right. For politics, government and law controls so much of our lives and in reality determines what we can study at all if you think about it. Hell sometimes they even decide what can be taught in a science course or what must be taught in a science course.

This election in 2008 is stunning. Hilary Clinton and Barak Oboma are battling to the floors of the convention back room. Truly this may be the first Convention in many decades where the nominee will not be know until all the back door, smoke- filled room politics and schemes go on at the Convention and whoever wins this costly and bloody battle will have some cleaning up to do before the General Election comes around. I like Obama in that I think he is a very intelligent man who speaks well and is trying to bring about change to a system he sees as needing desperately to be fixed. He reminds me in some ways of a young Jack Kennedy who spoke with passion and youthfulness and who by doing so, and by having his Daddy buy off the Chicago political machine won an election over our boy Richard “I am not a crook” Nixon. I think it is clear from my posts to other’s blogs on the subject I despise Hilary Clinton and I think she would make a horrible President and it’s a shame because I think highly of woman and feel I am one myself but she is the wrong person to break the gender barrier for the U.S. Presidency. Unfortunately, I think she has enough political connections from days past to make sure she squeezes the nomination from Obama.

Assuming she does, it will make my choice very easy and the old party of the elephant will garner my vote once again. Why? Because here’s a little know secret about me. I am a registered Republican. Now before you go and tar and feather me for such disclosure hear me out. I joined the Grand Old Party at a time when I had seen the Democrats lead us through a decade of an ugly war not unlike the one we have now in Iraq thanks to a President who should be thrown out of the GOP for reasons of utter stupidity. I saw the Republicans come in and get us out of Vietnam and then open relations with China, started the peace process in the Middle East and Détente with the Russians. In the 40’s and 50’s and 60 and even the early 70’s the party of the GOP was not the ideologues they became since 1980. It was the party of Eisenhower, Ford, Rockefeller, John Anderson and Howard Baker. I am more of a libertarian in that I am more conservative on government spending and taxes and the development of economic growth and business while being what most would call a liberal on social issues such as abortion, gay rights, and of course without saying, the rights of transgendered people. I watched my party turn into an ugly monster since 1980 of hate filled extremists who are nothing more than cowardly obeying the demands of the religious right. I screamed for years for these idiots to get the hell out before they ruined the GOP. Now for the first time in 40 years the GOP is going to nominate someone the right wing does not like and those extreme right wing fanatics are upset and threatening to bolt the Party and take their votes elsewhere. See it was OK when they came to moderates in the party like me for years and told me to hold my breath and vote for the Party’s candidate despite the fact he would cast me into hell if he actually knew who I really was. I did so several times but there were times I voted Democratic or Independent as well. Now when the party finally nominates a maverick free thinking moderate and the moderates come to the Conservatives for the first time since 1980 and ask that they support the Party’s candidate despite their objections they go scurrying off like a bunch of pouting children! I hope McCain not ignores them but adds to insult to injury and nominates someone like Giuliani as his running mate just to piss off the right wing extremists even more. There are some, including me who actually suspect he is transgendered. How cool would that be if we can get him to come out!

I only can hope that Barak can pull it off and win the Democratic nomination so that I am faced with a very tough and difficult choice in the fall and one in which I am truly not sure how I will vote at all. However, at least it would be one election in which, for the first time, I will not feel so bad either way as I have done so in these so many past elections. To be honest, after I have voted these many long years, I always felt I needed to go home and bathe to wash off the ugliness and stench of many of the choices I was given. Obama and McCain would avoid that stench removing bath for me for sure. I hope 2008 is vastly different for me but either way this has been a fascinating election year for me and one I am grateful for as well. For politics is the master science my good friends!

Stream of consciousness.......... (NEW)

So much to talk about but nothing that merits whole blog so I will call this one my Hodge Podge of thoughts or maybe better yet a stream of consciousness I have spent several days now chatting on the phone periodically with my good friend and sister Debbie Dunkle and her beautiful wife Sandy who is a truly a gem for all spouses of transgendered people. Debbie underwent GRS on Friday under the hands of Dr. Marci Bowers and now her body is one that reflects who she truly is as a person and has been inside where it counts all her life. I am so happy for her and I am glad all went well for her and at the same time, I am no closer to answering the question which even my own personal physician asked me this week …do you plan to go all the way and have it yourself.? I simply do not know…...it is something I will contemplate for quite a while I think. ………

As I begin this blog I am stuck in Ohio in one of the biggest snow storms in years once again reaffirming why I am growing increasingly tired of winter, Seasons…smeasons …..the heck with it…. ..I am fine with spring and summer and fall but I am not a fan of winter in the slightest ( I do not like winter with a coat or with a moat ..I do not even like winter at the mall said Melissa to all … paraphrasing the teachings of Theodore Geisel) ………..all the snow, the bitter cold, the cold rain, the grey dark skies, the short days, the loss of sunlight….I hate winter and I am sick of it now !!…I demand warm sunny spring days when the sun feels good on your skin and your smile brightens a bit…….The only thing good about winter is I like wearing boots and sweaters but heck I can do that in late fall and early spring and we can still skip this whole winter thing……………….

I am seeing a lot of changes in Melissa these days. I have been only doing 100 mgs of spiro and 2 mgs of estrofem for seven weeks but the results have been surprising. My breasts are growing at what seems to be an alarming rate and they have grown quite sensitive. I keep inadvertently bumping them on things like counters and exercise bikes and I am jumping like a cricket out of my shoes. I think the hotel clerk was a bit taken back when I pumped them on counter and jumped like that…LOL…..The changes are scary as all are but they are also welcomed . I looked in the mirror this morning while standing in my panties as I applied my regimen of skin softening lotion to my body and I liked what I saw back in the mirror ..the skin smooth and soft and the impact of all the electrolysis on my face and the budding development of my breasts on my chest …More and more my body on the outside reflects who I am on the inside.

I had the opportunity to spend the evening with a friend of mine who has two small boys who are full of energy and zest which comes from being young and their whole life in front of them. I thought back to a time when mine were that age and then even more so to the time I was their age. Two things occurred to me as I did. One, their life should either of them be “different” in anyway, will find a future that is more open and accepting to people who are than either my children or I ever did and that makes me smile and feel good about the future. The future lies with the children and I sense it will be a more receptive one than most of us ever experienced and that is a good start to moving society forward. The second thing I wished was that I was their age again in today’s changing society in this more receptive world- but I retained all I know now about who I am and what this life is about and all my experiences thoughts and discussions. I know my life would have progressed vastly different than it did for sure.

Finally, I found a new trick out there girls for those of you like me that are attempting to grow their nails longer and maintain them even those of you like me who still work more extensively in the boi “shell mode” . Mine are coming along well and I really like how they look and make my hands be more feminine. I have regular manicures. In between, I file and apply both oil- to keep them soft so they have some give and won’t break, as well as nail hardener to keep them stronger so they won’t break. Despite these efforts, I usually still end up snagging one and having nine good nails and one messed up one. A solution to the problem is this simple. Remember the glue guns that melt a stick of off white glue Apply a tiny bit to the split nail and then smooth it out covering the area beginning to tear then apply and top coat over the entire nail. This holds the nail in place and mends its split until it can grow out further and bet rimmed and filed to shape….. I knew that glue gun would come in handy someday!

The Shopping Gene (Summer 2007)

Is there truly such a thing as a “shopping gene”? Why is it girls, for the most part, love to shop and shop and shop some more while men have issues with shopping even for a pair of socks? Transgendered girls, at least many of them, myself very much included, fall into the category of shopaholics who seemed to have inherited this shopping gene as well along with our genetic girl sisters. Where does this gene come from and how does get inside us even though many of us in the transgendered community still are genetically males or at least started out that way before transitioning. Did this gene slip in there or coat tail itself in there with the other genes that led us transgendered girls to be transgendered in the first place. I can see it now …..shopping gene lays low and as the transgendered genes slip by it shouts “ Hop on …....this male is actually a girl but we stuck her inside this male body to make her life complicated and frustrating but she will want to shop like there is no tomorrow for sure!”

I truly am a shopaholic and I love to shop. Of course in one of my earlier blogs this spring I confessed my shoe addiction but I shop for far more than shoes its just it takes every once of willpower for me not to stop and shop or at least gaze in a shoe store. I love to look at magazines from women’s clothiers to see how the styles are changing and how an outfit might look on me. (Hmmm…...do you ever think we might see some transgendered models in magazines like Chadwicks or Lane Bryant?) I can’t hardly pass a those wonderful shopping giant creations when I am driving without the urge to veer the vehicle off the highway into the parking lot faster than you can say “ Sale at Debs “ and launch myself into the giant sales abounding at the lovely creation known as a mall. It’s like crack to a junkie or candy to a child and I simply can’t enough for sure! I nearly freeze when I open the paper and the giant ads fall out of the paper to the floor and there it is staring up at me “Sale at Macy’s ...Sale at Kohl’s ...Sale at Target…..Sale ...Sale ...Sale …Everything 30, 40 and even 50 percent off …..Somebody hide my credit cards please!!! OH No…….I was just kidding … Please give them back to me …....please!!!

I distinctly remember loving to shop even before I discovered my transgendered nature. I remember vividly tagging along with my mother on shopping sprees (and my mother God rest her soul loved to shop as well as anyone I know) and I would be out shopping with her for hours and I never complained and enjoyed going shopping with her. So I guess the little gene has been active for quite a while and shows no signs of letting up for sure. Shop till you drop is not simply a motto …it is a way of life! Shoes, dresses, skirts, blouses and jewelry and don’t forget your accessories like purses and scarves and belts and oh my I am get lightheaded just thinking about. Pages of catalogs, hundreds of stores and malls – most of which sell things geared at the women in society both genetic and transgendered far more than men unless you count Dicks or Bass Pro shops. Its no secret advertisers in magazines and TV and radio focus their ads on programs geared toward women – now if we they can only figure out how to directly market to the transgendered community without facing the rath of backlash created by those narrow minded twits who call for boycotts of everything because they don’t philosophically agree with that company’s decisions on issues such as rights and benefits for same sex partners or whatever strikes their fancy.. These people clearly need to do more shopping and less complaining ….they would feel better and their wardrobes would benefit for sure! Well I have to run ladies …..I heard that Fashion Bug is running an early bird sale tomorrow at 6AM with up to 75% off and I want to be well rested up ……

Tangled Webs (February 08)

Oh the tangled web we weave sometimes ……it is an old saying as sayings go but it is definitely applicable to the scenario I have created of my own doing. My wife is a pretty level headed woman who exhibits sweet tenderness and an easy going personality. She is a generally quiet person and I would say more on the introverted side. However she clearly lives wither her in the sand when it comes to me and my journey as Melissa. She has known for sometime about Melissa although she does not know that I am Melissa and always have been and that I am very uncomfortable in my life of pretending to be someone that I am not. She senses more than she lets on but does not say a thing. She has free access to my closets for years where she can purview the gowns,, slacks, dresses, blouses, skirts and the shoe heaven which exits there ….she has seen the hair disappear from my body over the years until I am smooth as a baby’s bottom (well almost) and she stays a silent as the wind. She has seen all of my ugly boi underwear disappear form my dresser to be replaced by my soft silk and satin and cotton panties of pretty girl colors but yet she remains as quiet as a mouse. She knows I am out doing things as Melissa but does not know every time I shop or dine or sightsee or party with my friends while presenting myself as my true identity yet she asks little of what I do when I am gone on my travels. She has seen some strange habits of mine change or develop over the last few years as a result of my transitional activities (such as having a couple days of beard growth as I prepare for more electrolysis) yet she utters nary a word. She knows I spend more time on line so that I can chat with my friends and sisters but she responds only with deafening silence. She has seen my nails grow long and shiny before her very eyes yet the questions never come.

I blame myself for what has happened with the head in the sand routine on the part of my spouse. I knew I when I married her she was not one to initiate many discussions especially when they would evoke so much controversy or turmoil as finding out her husband is deeply transgendered and living a life pretending to be a male and going through the paces while nearly wanting to scream every waking moment to rip the ever thinning shell from my body that covers Melissa from much of the world! I take full responsibility for this very tangled web which I have woven so thick and full I am beginning to entangle myself in its very threads. The only way this is going to be resolved and for my wife to breath the free air again instead of the grainy sands which surround her is for me to reach down as Melissa and pull her head out of the sand pit I dug and initiate the discussions on this subject with her. I dread this action with great trepidation. It’s the old adage that things left unsaid are better left unsaid or what she does not know cannot hurt her. However, that philosophy is exceedingly flawed in the case of spouses of transgendered people. It’s true I may be able to go on for a few months or more of weaving this entangled web but I know that that will not solve the problem – it will only add more layers to it -while my wife struggles to breath in the sand that covers her head. If I care about her, and I do, I must face the tangled mess I created and give her the complete story and free her from the web and the sand. It will be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life for sure. It will not happen in a day or even this week but I know that time is not my ally in this matter and it will happen soon …….oh what a tangled web we weave …

Peace through tears (Fall 2007)

I decided that since I was going to out partying and dancing and socializing on Saturday night with my sisters in the Columbus area where I would go a different route on the Friday night before but one I am sure many genetic girls like to experience as well on occasion. First of all I did get to meet some new sisters on Saturday in Columbus including two girls who came out for the first time and one who had only been out twice before as well as some girls who apparently live in the area I grew up in many years ago. It is sometimes very true that is a small world and life does come in cycles sometimes. I also got to meet a person I had only known online who had undergone a tragic incident in her which caused a medical and emotional toll on her along with her transition. I was glad she agreed to come along if I drove her and to welcome her back to our active community.

Friday night I took a softer girl approach which was quite fun but I had not done it in quite a while. I relaxed at a cabin I had rented for the weekend and the first thing I did was pour myself a glass of wine and slip into my bathing suit ( one piece with little skirt and full of flowers ) and get in the hot tub where I let the bubbles and jets pound my stressed and tired body. Ahhhhhh- did that feel so good. It gave me time to think as I starred at the beautiful clear sky lit up by stars white soft clouds and the moon. Where am I to go in my life and how do I get there? Some tough questions for sure but my friends they were much easier with the sound of a mountain stream running in the background, good wine to sip on and the warmth of a the bubbly hot tub to aid me in my thought process.

After contemplating my course and direction in life and how I am going to get there I decided I need another treat. So I slipped out of my bathing suit and toweled off and put a fresh coat on my nails. I slipped into my comfy girl pink pajamas and my slippers and poured myself some more wine and curled up on the couch and watched not one but two romantic movies (commonly called “chick flicks”) I cried at the sad parts and cried again when the happy romantic loved filled endings occurred. I just cried and sobbed but I felt so good like it help get some things out in the fresh air of the night. I slept so soundly that night in my comfy bed and pink pillows and slept in for a while the next morning. I awoke so refreshed and felt so alive …. Melissa is bursting through and I have never felt more at peace although I know my journey will not be easy at all. It is truly wonderful to be a girl and be transgendered. I know there is pain to come but I will cry my tears and feel refreshed and move on in my journey.

Lesbians, Interviews and Appalachia (Fall 07)

It was definitely an interesting and intriguing week for Melissa although I am sure it was a whole lot more interesting for others I know. Thanksgiving week has come on gone and it brought some interesting situations for a few members of my transgendered support group who announced at our last meeting that they were planning to come out to their families on their Thanksgiving gatherings (bet that made for some interesting discussion over the turkey and pumpkin pie for sure!) I look forward to hearing these reports at our next group meeting. I spent the week, besides Thanksgiving with the family members where I decided not to disrupt the food consumption process with any such similar disclosure although I suspect a few of the outlaws( in-laws) have a few suspicions for sure, with a social outing where I was among a group of lesbians who were great company and much fun. The other part of my week was spent with a another member of such community doing an interview with her on growing up and being transgendered in Appalachia for graduate research paper she is doing on the subject.

The social outing was fun and I had a blast and spent a good amount of time discussing points with the bartender whose name consequently was also Melissa. I think for the most part lesbians and transgendered (MtoF) people get along pretty well. I think this because most MtoF transgendered people would be considered lesbians since many are attracted to ggs or other tgs and therefore it is essentially two women together (kind of like the welcome to the “male bashing” club). I learned that Melissa at one time had such long flowing beautiful hair that I would die to have but she shaved it off to a thin crew cut haircut and she now mostly wears caps. I also met her former lover who she still gets along pretty well with as well. Melissa took good care of me at the bar serving me some nice drinks that actually contained some alcohol as opposed to the water downed versions one usually gets. She also included me in her occasional intriguing and unusual shots she poured for all the girls including me. I really enjoyed spending time and having some fun with these girls and learning more about them and most were very open about discussing their sexuality which defiantly kept the conversation more livelily for sure.

On the Tuesday before Thanksgiving I met Lori who is also part of the “L” community to discuss my life as a transgendered person growing up in what our nation defines as Appalachia. Appalachia is an area of land of rural mountains mostly inhabited sparsely by a group of lower educated people who also tend to be more conservative in their social values driven by their more fundamental religious upbringing. This topic has also fascinated me and so after some exchange of e-mails I agreed to meet Lori for an interview which was recorded and is put to be put on reserve at her university library to document along with others out transgendered histories. She is planning to use these interviews as a source of reference along with her research to formulate a research paper and ultimately her Master’s thesis on this subject. I am definitely interested in reading her research paper on this process. Growing up and being transgendered in Appalachia is not easy for sure. Contact with others like me was not common and still is not common today. Most of us here grew up in towns so small and rural that everyone knows everything about everyone (I bet you most people in this town could tell you what you had to eat for breakfast before you even get it digested). Appalachian people are good natured people for the most part but they do not understand or deal with people part of the LGBT community well. They see us as freaks, deviants and “sinners” who need “redemption”! Obviously growing up and living in such areas as a member of the LGBT community is not easy and I am sure Lori’s studies will verify all of this in her comparisons with those who grew up in more metropolitan areas of this nation. I really enjoyed chatting with Lori and getting to know her as well. She is really cool person with a big heart and warm smile and I wish her all the success she dreams of and maybe one day we will both find that Appalachia and being part of the LGBT community do not have to be so mutually exclusive but we have a long way to go in that regard for sure!

The Lake Erie Gala (Fall 07)

The Lake Erie Gala occupied my time for the past week took away my attention from most things. Understandably, the experience has provided great insight into my life and my journey as Melissa. For the first time ever I lived nine consecutive nights and days presenting myself as Melissa in various situations all of which I dealt with successively for all that life threw at me and that exactly what the Gala is about my dear sisters. Growth comes from the engagement and creativity. I commenced this lengthy experiment on Saturday November 10th by spending some time getting pampered in a day spa which I so love to do every once in while (actually I would love to do it more but it is not cheap as you know) and then getting ready for the Canton GNO which worked out perfectly since I was only about 90 minutes from my last few days of work. GNO’s are fun and provide me the opportunity to see my friends periodically and do some dancing but I realize their limitations as far as being Melissa. Many girls never get beyond the level of going to these events first in boi mode then later under the cloak of darkness enfemme but I also realize that is OK and everyone progresses at different levels of comfort or sometimes reaches a point where that is all they go in their journey. I know that is not me but for those who are there I say this – go at your own pace and find your comfort level and if it is attending an event such as this then enjoy and you are still my sister and my friend. At least I got to do dinner with some friends before hand.

On Sunday I got up and dressed and got on the road to Erie Pa for one of my favorite events all year- The Lake Erie Gala. I stopped for lunch along the way and dined by myself. The Gala is special for me for many reasons. First, it is a great time. Secondly, I get to see many dear friends who because of distances I can only see once a year. Thirdly, the event is different than many other transgendered events in that its purpose – beyond just having fun is for to provide opportunities for girls who have never been out to do so in the support and company of their sisters and also because of the way it is structured it provides opportunity to push girls out into very public situations in broad daylight – again with the support of their sisters. The Gala is not an event where you stay congregated in hotel but instead are taken on bus tours and trips to museums, theatre, shopping, wineries and sightseeing all in very public settings where one must learn to interact with the public and the public in turn must learn to accept or at least tolerate us and maybe they will see we are just people having some fun like anyone else. I realized it was a year ago when I first ventured to the Gala as transgendered person who only went out at night to TG friendly establishments and that was it for me. I got out a lot but it was not the same as I have in the past year. The Gala helped me grow more than I ever realized in that I grew very very comfortable with dining out for any of our daily meals, going to plays and theatre, museums and shopping or just for a cup of hot java at the coffee shop whether it was with friends or just all on my own. Once you truly embrace who you are and grow comfortable with presenting this person to society you just reach a point where you do not care whether others in society (other than those situations which present risk to one’s life or health) accept you are not. I hope they do- but if they don’t well I guess that is their loss.

On Sunday evening I dined in the only place which needs to open I guess according to Erie Pa on Sunday- the local sports bar filled with drunken testosterone driven men all upset because their team lost again or gloating because the team won. The food was good and I had no problem with walking to this place from the hotel or being the only transgendered person in there. I met up with a few of my friends who like me had come early and we headed out for a drink or two to catch up with each other’s life. On Monday I ran some errands and got my hair (OK wig) trimmed and styled and had lunch by myself at the local diner. On Monday evening I dined with a few friends over a pint of ale and some great food at a local Irish pub by the warm fireplace( Erie is a cold city in mid November for sure) Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday was a three pronged attack on the Erie retail industry other wise know as shopping. Mall shopping on Tuesday was followed by thrift and consignment shopping on Wednesday and finally outlet mall shopping on Thursday each with a lunch at some local establishment or the food court. .Needless to say the wardrobe has gotten bigger. (Those bargains are so hard to pass up if they have your size) Friday was a day of touring , sightseeing and museums including the Marx toy museum where I got to see the toys I had as a child (the little parking garage and service station that moved my little cars up and down and the Rockem Sockem robots) and the ones I really wanted but did not get(the dolls). I also helped my roommate come out in public for the first time and did her makeup for her before she did ( dang that is hard to do) I got to dine at more fun places and spent my nights dancing at the club with friends or going to a comedy club or a country western karaoke bar. By the way, I cannot sing but I sung three songs this past week including one by myself. However, I realized the secret- wait till near the end when everyone is so sloshed they really can’t tell you can’t sing. On Sunday, I spent the morning saying goodbyes to my dear friends and packing up the car and drove again presenting as Melissa to be at a special event and then have dinner on my own. Yes, the comfort level has surely changed over the last year and my happiness has increased. The journey will progress for me as well as others who try just as I have done in the past year.