Friendship among our sisters is a wonderful thing and it has been on my mind a lot lately. When I was growing up as a young “boy” I had a few friends I went to school with and interacted with on a regular basis for activities and such and maybe a few I would consider close friends, although not close enough to tell them my deepest secret and that while I may play baseball with them in the daytime, I was slipping into my mothers clothes at night and living in guilt and shame and confusion. I was considered personable in high school and generally got along with most people and made a few more acquaintances over the years but again there was no one I called a really close friend and again no one that I could ever explain the deep dark secret that hovered inside me. I wanted to be friends with the girls in my class and do some girl things with them but I could not do so for either I would be viewed as a freak by them or a queer to the boys or I would be viewed as attempting to get close to the girls so I could date them and get inside their panties (little did they know I just wanted to wear them!) After the wonderful years of high school I of course ventured off to college where I made a small handful of close (but again not real close) friends I have continued to periodically interact with over the years but again I am not sure how they would react to the news of Melissa except for one who knows and is fine with it.
My sisters on the hand are all my friends and some I have become very close to and there is one who I consider my best friend I ever had in life. I have more close friends who are sisters than I ever had in the male mode. I think this of course is very logical considering that all those friends over the years in school and neighborhood never really knew the real me. They knew only the shell which covered and hid my true self – Melissa from the world. Friendship requires building roots between human beings and it is hard for a shell or covering to bear many deep roots. The roots would only scratch my surface and never penetrate deep into my soul or sense of being which I feel is necessary for real true and deep friendship to nourish and grow! I don’t blame those who did not know me for it was my fear and shame that hid my true self from others around me so they could never be truly close to me. I never had a really wonderful best friend or even very many close friends in my other shell mode and it was my fault and I accept the blame for that fact.
I don’t mean to dwell on the negative because this blog is not about the failures of the past but the triumphs of the present. Melissa, my true self, is very fortunate to have many friends to help me in my journey and I hoped I have helped them along the way as well. I can make friends now because the secret that once pushed others away from getting to close does not exist with my sisters. They see the real me…....they talk to the real me…...they interact and laugh and talk and cry and dance and do all sorts of things with the real me …Melissa. With the barriers lowered and the roots able to take hold wonderful friendships have formed. While I love all my sisters I have become particularly close to some like Ranae who I talk with 3-4 times a week on the phone, Martina who I shared more dual pictures with than any other girl, Mandie and Glenda who both have this bubbly and wonderful persona that makes them sparkle and shine and always make me smile. I have grown to become wonderfully close to people like Debbie who I talk to frequently and share many things with as well as my dear friend Carla who is struggling bad in her life right now after losing her home, her marriage and her job all in a few months. I am very good friends with Joann, my West Virginia sister who I have roomed with at many events and I figure if we can live together in one room for extended periods of time and get along so well in doing so, we have grown closer and closer as girlfriends. I have never had friends like this in the past for the reasons I set forth above. That is all ended and my life is enriched so much by my interaction with my sisters and girlfriends. I grow happier each day because of this even with all the other challenges facing me.
I want to also talk about my very best girlfriend- Paula Katherine White!! I often think what life would have been like in school if I lived it as I should have as Melissa. Paula would have been that special girlfriend that I would have met and grew close to and shared all my secrets with and talked on the phone with and later in life we would have had a wonderful relationship as dear friends who supported each other and cared about each other and helped each other through each of life’s crises and tears as well as celebrated the accomplishments and joys in our lives. Although I did not get to live as Melissa in school and she did not get to live as Paula, we now share that same level of closeness. I love talking with her and spending time with her and sharing our lives with each other which we do frequently. She is an incredible, loving and fun and wonderful person and I am very happy to have her as my best friend. I can share anything with her and we talk about everything in our lives and a call or message from her absolutely makes my day and the times we have spent together in person have been truly wonderful. The roots can grow deep now as the shell does not exist between us and she sees the real me – Melissa and I see only the real her – Paula and I care for her deeply. Life is so good these days because I have made deep friends who are my sisters and one who is very special to me and because of this, the past seems to fade away and the future looks so much brighter!!
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