Things I Hope to Retain

Although I know my journey leads me further where I have been called all my life – to be Melissa – the person I am and always have been and will be in this life and I fully embrace that journey each day, there are some things I hope I retain in my life form my boi shell after the treatments and hormones and transition have taken their course. I was thinking the other day as I carried on a conversation with a business contact – a young lady who obviously had no idea she was talking with a transgendered person. First of all, she was whining about how much the travel restrictions have limited her ability to pack all her essential creams, lotions and makeup when she travels as we often do in our line of work. She looks at me (obviously having no idea what I am packing in my luggage) and says something to the effect that I would not understand and how lucky I am to be a “man”. I nearly laughed but her colleague chimed in and said “Hon , you have no idea what he may carry with him to look nice” The other woman was older and she may have sensed something in me or my appearance or noticed the way I examined her outfit and shoes. I do those things like a girl without even thinking.

The young lady chimed in later about how she hates driving because she gets so disoriented when she does and that men have it easier with our sense of direction. I paused and thought how that is true for me – I have a good sense of direction while traveling and generally can find things even without maps or directions. I then immediately wondered whether that will change following transition. I mean does HRT rewire the brain so now I get lost on a two block trip to store? Oh, I hope not.

Here are some things I want to retain in my life even after I transition down the road. The first of these is that sense of direction in traveling and please don’t have me change to where I get lost in a phone booth. Secondly, although sports is becoming less and less interesting to me primarily because I know I used it to hide Melissa and it helped keep “the shell” occupied for a time, I hope I still appreciate the intricacies of a good game of baseball and the finer points of some other sports as well long after I transition.( I mean I think I would look pretty damn cute in a tennis outfit) It is just that given a choice between a day of shopping or pampering now and watching some brutal macho sport I prefer the pedicures, facials and sales at Kohl’s and Macys to that contest hands down . I

I started to think of other things but I could not do so. Is that all it has come down to? I mean I prefer cooking and baking (and I am excellent at both) than working on cars or with tools. I prefer pinks and pastels far more than so called boy colors. I love shopping for clothes, jewelry, shoes and makeup and pampering far more than going to Lowes or Home Depot or working on the house which I rarely ever do! Hmmm, maybe I don’t have much left from the shell and never really did. However, following my transition, I still will try to get where I am going when I am traveling without stopping to ask for directions and will watch that baseball game – although I suspect that it will be with that added perspective of observing that the socks of the team clearly clash with the rest of their outfit ..excuse me jersey…