Oh the tangled web we weave sometimes ……it is an old saying as sayings go but it is definitely applicable to the scenario I have created of my own doing. My wife is a pretty level headed woman who exhibits sweet tenderness and an easy going personality. She is a generally quiet person and I would say more on the introverted side. However she clearly lives wither her in the sand when it comes to me and my journey as Melissa. She has known for sometime about Melissa although she does not know that I am Melissa and always have been and that I am very uncomfortable in my life of pretending to be someone that I am not. She senses more than she lets on but does not say a thing. She has free access to my closets for years where she can purview the gowns,, slacks, dresses, blouses, skirts and the shoe heaven which exits there ….she has seen the hair disappear from my body over the years until I am smooth as a baby’s bottom (well almost) and she stays a silent as the wind. She has seen all of my ugly boi underwear disappear form my dresser to be replaced by my soft silk and satin and cotton panties of pretty girl colors but yet she remains as quiet as a mouse. She knows I am out doing things as Melissa but does not know every time I shop or dine or sightsee or party with my friends while presenting myself as my true identity yet she asks little of what I do when I am gone on my travels. She has seen some strange habits of mine change or develop over the last few years as a result of my transitional activities (such as having a couple days of beard growth as I prepare for more electrolysis) yet she utters nary a word. She knows I spend more time on line so that I can chat with my friends and sisters but she responds only with deafening silence. She has seen my nails grow long and shiny before her very eyes yet the questions never come.
I blame myself for what has happened with the head in the sand routine on the part of my spouse. I knew I when I married her she was not one to initiate many discussions especially when they would evoke so much controversy or turmoil as finding out her husband is deeply transgendered and living a life pretending to be a male and going through the paces while nearly wanting to scream every waking moment to rip the ever thinning shell from my body that covers Melissa from much of the world! I take full responsibility for this very tangled web which I have woven so thick and full I am beginning to entangle myself in its very threads. The only way this is going to be resolved and for my wife to breath the free air again instead of the grainy sands which surround her is for me to reach down as Melissa and pull her head out of the sand pit I dug and initiate the discussions on this subject with her. I dread this action with great trepidation. It’s the old adage that things left unsaid are better left unsaid or what she does not know cannot hurt her. However, that philosophy is exceedingly flawed in the case of spouses of transgendered people. It’s true I may be able to go on for a few months or more of weaving this entangled web but I know that that will not solve the problem – it will only add more layers to it -while my wife struggles to breath in the sand that covers her head. If I care about her, and I do, I must face the tangled mess I created and give her the complete story and free her from the web and the sand. It will be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life for sure. It will not happen in a day or even this week but I know that time is not my ally in this matter and it will happen soon …….oh what a tangled web we weave …
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